Showing posts with label married life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label married life. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Post Partum: An Update.

The other day, I recieved an email from a fellow blogger. She was curious about how my Post Partum OCD & Anxiety were going and wanted to know if I'd update everyone on my progress.

There are days when my OCD & Anxiety are very minimal and I almost forget that I have it. There are days when I can go the whole day without worrying about Harper more than the average parent does. There are sunshiney days where my whole world is kittens & rainbows and I almost burst with love over my little family. I think to myself, ''High five, self. You are awesome!''

Then something happens.

Something that causes that tiny little tingle of fear to skirt up my spine.

Somone cuts me off in traffic just a little to close when Harper is in the car. She coughs when she's having her bottle. She bonks her head with her rattle.

Most days, I can ignore the little tingle and go about my day. The Effexor & Xanax cocktail the doctor has me on is working wonders for me. I'm sleeping most nights and I'll wake up to look at the clock & see I've slept the whole night with no nightmares. But other days, I find myself bombarded with intrusive thoughts, anger, fear, physical & mental compulsions that if I don't complete, I can not function. I'll think, ''did I turn off the oven? I didn't turn off the oven. No, no, I turned it off, I'm sure of it. We haven't cooked in days! Duh!'' and then I'll move on, until 3am when I'm convinced the house is going to burn down and we are all going to die and it'll be my fault. I'll have to get out of bed, whispering to Molly to stay, where I'll stumble down the stairs, check that the oven is off. Then I'll have to check on Harper and suddenly my minds awake & I'm not going back to sleep for the rest of the night because my brain is in overdrive. I'll try to read, but images of our house burned down will pop into my mind, like horrible flashbacks. I'll hear what people will say about me, ''She should have checked the oven. This is all her fault.'' No matter what I do, the thoughts won't go away. It's horrible to have a brain like this. Horrible to feel like this, but most days, the medicine helps. Most days, I can function like a normal mama & be fun.

Most days, I'm not crazy. There are days when I don't want to punch my husband because he can laugh at some joke on TV. When I'm angry because I'm the only one suffering. He could be feeding Harper and I'm sitting there thinking, ''Why do I have to do EVERYTHING? Why do I take care of everyone? I never get a break!'' all the while, Brad let's his dinner go cold to feed Harper. It makes no sense and it drives me bonkers that I have this in my life. I want to feel normal everyday. I don't want to be dependant on medicine to feel that way. Luckily, the days where I feel like this are few and far between. They seem to be further and further apart and I'm my normal, happy self. And that? That is enough to get me through the hard days.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

oh, hey strangers.

I promise promise I am still alive.

I know my blogging had slacked off big time but holy shit balls, I haven't been around here since NOVEMBER!? Eeeps. I am sorry friends! There's just been so much going on that I am like, woah, where did the time go?!

We've had:

-one girls first turkey day.
-her first christmas
-having my ma live with us part time to help take care of harp
-me having some postpartum issues & getting back on medication (I figured this would happen, but still--a letdown.)
-the harpzilla turning three.months.old (what!?)

-visits to the ER for the mister
-surgery for the mister upcoming shortly
-visits to the ER for me
-emergency gallbladder surgery (I checked in at 2am. In a room by 5am, surgery at noon. It was crazy)
-meeting our medical deductible by January 15th, go us!
-harper starting her first day of big girl day care
-not crying like a little bitch when I left her (go me!)

so to apologize, here is a cute picture of my kid to distract you from my absence!


I promise promise I'll be better soon!

xoxoox

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Things I'm loving...



  • This ridiculously adorable photo of my daughter. Go ahead and try to not die from the cuteness.
  • The fact that my boobs are back to normal. Things were a little scary there for a few days.
  • That I can poop again. Holy Jesus, the first post pregnancy poo was traumatizing. I may never recover. Can you have PTSD from poop?
  • The weather in Kansas City is absolutely perfect. So gorgeous and sunshine-y!
  • Molly seems to be finally adjusting to Harper & not barking at every.single.noise. she makes. 
  • We may get to hit the Red Barn Farm this weekend if I'm feeling ok & it's not too chilly for the Harps.
  • Harp's first Pedi appointment went great & they told us we were doing perfect with her--this makes us feel so much better about this parenting thing.
  • I was able to nap on my back today--so hopefully I can stop sleeping in the recliner and snuggle my husband in our bed.
  • The way Harper smiles & instantly relaxes when we listen to Mumford & Sons Sigh No More album.
  • Our friends just told us they are expecting their first hippy babeh in June! YAY for more babehs! Just not from my belly :)
So what are you loving today?

Monday, October 11, 2010

One Week...


Today, Harper is one week old.

We survived a week together. That blows my mind. This little muffin o' love slid so seamlessly into our lives, it seems almost as if she's been here forever. There was no major shift, no horrible experiences thus far, and we managed to not kill her--or at least break anything vital.

Motherhood has come completely natural to me. I feel so at ease being this little ones mom, I almost wonder why I didn't do it sooner. But then, if we had, we wouldn't have been the same people and we wouldn't have had our little Harp. This child makes my heart feel like it is going to explode at least 2.1 million times a day. The way she smiles and laughs in her sleep, the way she falls asleep on my chest after a bottle and the way she snuggles up to Brads chest when she's cold...I could go on and on about this baby...but the point is, we are so stupid in love with this child.

Speaking of Brad, seeing him with Harper staggers me. He is so good with her and is handling everything so well. He is 110% involved in everything and we figured out that we make a fantastic team. He trades off on all the feedings, the diaper changes and snuggles. I love the way he talks her through her diaper changes and even if she is a little fussy (which is so rare, seriously this kid is awesome), he just talks her through it, holds her close and calms her right down. There are times we will look at each other with this big stupid grin on our face and I can tell that we are both thinking, ''man, we fucking rock.''

I really didn't think this is how our first week of parenthood would go. We really went into this thinking that it was going to be worse than some horrific tragedy and we'd walk away shell shocked and dead. Last night, we had our first experience with projectile vomit and it ended up all over Harp & I. I instantly panicked thinking that she was choking to death and I couldn't think. I screamed for Brad and he came running. We went to lay her down to clean her up, she opened her eyes, looked right at us, laughed and passed out. Our daughter is a sorority girl who can't handle hitting the bottle. Awesome.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Wordless Wednesday...The Mister & Me

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Dear Baby...



Dear Harper,

Today, I am 36 weeks pregnant with you. According to babycenter, you look like this:

As of our last OB appointment yesterday, you are measuring right on target at 36 weeks. You are officially out of room in my belly and your movements have gotten GIGANTIC. It is so funny to walk through a restaurant or the store and watch peoples reaction to my belly. Few get a dopey grin and most get a completely horrified look on their face. It is getting really hard to breathe, sleep, eat, get comfortable and generally exist. You've completely taken over my body and its official: I'm done with pregnancy.

On one hand, I can't wait to meet you. I'm so excited at the thought of finally seeing you face to face that I keep imagining what my reaction will be. I wonder what color your eyes are...if you got my green eyes or your dads dark chocolate eyes. I wonder if you'll have a full head of hair like the 4D sonogram lady said you did. I wonder if you'll have your dads full lips or my ginormous eyebrows. On the other hand, I'm really enjoying the last few weeks of alone time with your dad and Molly. Even though 99.9% of our conversations revolve around you and what we expect life to be like after you get here.

There are somedays that Molly and I will grab a stack of pillows and go lay in your nursery for our daily nap. I'll look around the happy room we created for you and try to imagine you here. I'll open your drawers of tiny clothes and run my hands over the different fabrics and imagine the photos your dad will take of you. It almost feels like we are waiting for our lives to just START for goodness sake!

Everyone is anxiously awaiting your arrival. Phones are staying fully charged, cameras are ready, the bags are packed by the front door and all I need to do is have your car seat installed. Whenever you come in the next four weeks, I'm sure it'll be perfect.

Love, Mama

Thursday, September 9, 2010

ba dump!


the bump is very handy these days.
it holds small dogs, ice cream bowls, books, water with my handy bendy straws, and my blackberry.
miss harper isn't too keen on having her space invaded and will kick away anything that is placed there.
the best part of the bump being so big?
watching the misters reactions to her kicks.
the slightly horrified/excited looks that flash across his face are absolutely priceless.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

random wednesday thoughts.

i just woke up from a nap...feeling like i'd been hit by a mack truck. boooo. i'm running a low grade fever, sneezing like crazy, have an achy ear, a tight chest, the snots, and a sore throat. i spoke with my ob and he said that i just need to rest and drink lots of fluids because there's nothing really they can do for me. lamesauce.

the mister is also sick. but that asshole can take drugs, so he gets no sympathy! kidding. sorta.

i am slowing recovering from the girls epic visit to kc. i am also finding shower glitter all. over. my. house. but, i was still finding it from marissa's 21st birthday celebration from OCTOBER, so it's not too shocking.

how is it september already? you guys. i could have my baby this month. that is impossible to think about.

i just updated my facebook status to say that i was sick and whiny. someone ''liked'' it. thanks, asshole.

i'm in nesting mode. all of harper's laundry is washed, folded, and put away in a slightly (majorly) obsessive fashion. the drawers are also lined with contact paper and i realize it may not last, but it makes me feel much better right now.

i've been heaping attention on this beast, who is returning the favor by following me everywhere i go, growling when people get to close to me, snuggling on my chest, and generally being the best little buddy ever.


i'm obsessing about bringing harper home from the hospital. i'm worried about odd things like, how often we change a diaper (p.s. how does one even change a diaper? i've never done it before), when do we feed her, how much do we feed her, how do we keep from completely screwing this up, etc etc. the nesting is helping a ton, it is making me feel more in control of a situation i have NO control over. her pack & play is set up, loaded with diapers, butt cream, powder etc...(it has a fancy changing station attached to it) that's where she'll sleep for the first few weeks then she'll head back to the nursery. the clothes are washed and put away. the hospital bag is packed for me and the babeh. the diaper bag is ready to go (thank you, google for telling me what to put in it.) and brads cell phone is loaded up with important peoples phone numbers.

i know the root of my anxiety is stemming from the issues with my mom. which is *really* going to piss brad off when he reads this. but there are certain times when a girl just wants HER MOM to be there for her and i know that she can't be in the way that i need her to be. i know it's dumb, but i really thought things would be different since it is her first grandbaby. but she wouldn't be my mom if she couldn't find ways to try to ruin it, right? i know in my head and in my heart that i have a spectacular support system. i have a partner who is 130% percent involved in everything related to this baby. he wakes up with me when i can't sleep, brings me taco bell when i need it, gets out of bed to get the dog bone when i'm too sore and tired to move, comes to the appointments, gets me gallons of water, and is so head over heels in love with our daughter already. i have friends that i can call, text, or email at all hours of the day who would do anything to help me out. i have a sister who i can say the weirdest random things too and she'll always laugh and never judge. i have a fantastic mother in law who will be the grandma that harper needs in her life and i have a dad and father in law who are already big mushes of goo over this baby.

woah. so this post just took a turn for the heavy. but hey, i totally just saved myself a $100 co-pay for the therapist which is a definite win. especially since i'm going to be spending a shitfuck load of money in the next few weeks. babeh's be expensive, ya'll.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Wordless Wednesday: Harper's Nursery





Saturday, August 21, 2010

Dear Baby...

Dear Harper,

Today, I am 33 weeks and 1 day pregnant with you. According to Baby Center, you currently look like this:



But actually, you look more like this:


Blergh. The grandmothers wanted to check out a sonogram with us, so we decided to schedule a 4D ultrasound for our families. Both sets of grandparents were there along with your Aunt Marissa. It was so weird seeing you in 4D and even though we shelled out the money for this, I still think it is incredibly creepy. Sorry, kid. I think you have your Dads lips and he thinks you have my nose. It'll be interesting to compare you to this photo when you finally get here in 7 short weeks.

In the next few days, your two aunties from other sides of the states will be here to visit. Jen and Tracy are flying in from the west & east coasts to spend a long weekend with us and attend your second baby shower. I have so! much! to! do! before they get here, but I'm super excited. Tomorrow, your dad & I plan to finish your nursery and get the room ready so everyone can see it next weekend. We are pretty stoked to see it all come together and get your piles of stuff situated in one location. It is so weird to see your stuff all over the house and putting away some of the bottles we received yesterday at my work shower was enough to send me into a panic attack. In just a few weeks, you'll be here and our life will change forever. I am more panicked and Brad is more calm as each day passes. I keep looking at your clothes thinking two thoughts: 1. "It is impossible for you to be *this* tiny when you come." and 2. "WHO THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO GIVE ME A BABY?!" I apologize for screaming, but really. I have no idea what to do with you and or how to be a mother. Oy.

In other news, I am currently out of work on Short Term Disability due to my job requirements. So far, I've been home a week and between us girls, I really enjoy it. I'm nesting, baking, and cooking everyday. Plus, I'm resting and getting to enjoy some time with Molly before you get here. It has been so nice to not be constantly exhausted and cranky all day. I think your Dad enjoys it too, because I've been cooking some pretty awesome meals if I do say so myself :)

In the last few weeks, I've discovered that the third trimester is incredibly similar to the first trimester. Food is kind of hit and miss again...the headaches are back...and I'm sore all.the.time. Also? I am pretty sure you are trying to split my chucky in half and I keep having dreams of you punching a fist out at any given time. Your movements are much more deliberate these days and when you get the hiccups, my whole belly shakes. You currently crave potatoes--in any variety, tomatoes, ice water, chocolate (which gives me the worst heartburn, ever), plums, and guacamole.

Love,

Mama

Friday, July 23, 2010

Random Friday Thoughts...



Today I am 29 weeks pregnant and by the picture, I have officially entered the ''whoa, belly!'' stage of pregnancy. Miss Harper is growing bigger everyday and so is my belly, oy. I've discovered that the third trimester sucks and I'm pretty sure I'll never be comfortable again.

I've gotten more stretch marks in the last two weeks than I have in my whole pregnancy and the ones around my belly button look like straight up knife wounds. I am so glad I was never a bikini person before. Also? There will be no naked belly shots of this girl, my husband has some mad skillz, but there is NO amount of photoshop that will fix this mess.

Speaking of maternity photos, the husband and I will be meandering around downtown KC this weekend to snap up some fully clothed photos of us and the bump. I'm excited to see how they turn out!

Oh, the mister got a job around two weeks ago! He is pretty excited about it and is really digging it so far. This is our first Friday with both of us being paid in about three months...I'm so excited I could pee myself. Which, hey, being 7 months pregnant could happen anyway.

I am one month and a few days away from my two best girls coming to visit. I literally can't wait for this visit, it'll be such a great weekend. The girls surprised me and decided to come back for the baby shower for Miss Harper. Poor Brad will be completely overtaken by women for the weekend. Luckily, Tracy is bringing Julian, so he won't be the only male in a house full of females :)

The sister is hosting my fantabulous shower that is going to be so much fun. We picked a ''Milk & Cookies'' theme and we are skipping the lame games in favor of stuffing our faces with cookies laced with so much butter, my ass is expanding just thinking of it.

And that's pretty much all I've got to offer up today. It's Friday and I'm fried and so ready for the weekend to start. The mister and I celebrate five years together tomorrow and I'm off to the salon for some major maintenance work on myself. Praise jesus, these roots are aw.ful.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Sipping on the Crazy.

I'm reading Tori Spelling's MommyWood currently and I'm surprised to say, it is a rather good book. Ever since I got my hands on a library card last week, I've been devouring ''real mom'' pregnancy and motherhood books instead of the scare the shit out of me pregnancy books. It makes me think about good stuff, unlike the pregnancy books that make me think of my vagina prolapsing. For god sakes, don't Google what that is. I made that mistake and I'm officially off the pregnancy books because of it.

In the beginning chapters of MommyWood, Tori talks about her relationship with her mother and how it has made her question her abilities as a mother. This is something that I constantly think about, not necessarily worry about, mainly just think. I have made no secret on this blog of the fact that my mother is completely bat shit crazy. People always scoff at me when I say my mother is psycho, saying that I'm over exaggerating things. But no really, you guys. Bitch be crazy. Like poison you with rat poison crazy. Ok, maybe I am exaggerating THAT one, but remind me sometime to tell you about the time she dumped 5lbs of sugar in my dads BRAND NEW TRUCK GAS TANK because she was pissed off at him. Or the time she caught a brain tumor and almost couldn't make it to my wedding (which magically cleared up before we were back from our honeymoon). Or more recently, my sister giving her cancer (really. Marissa ''gave'' her cancer) because she got married. I could really go on and on, but that is a whole other blog post in and of itself.

Now, as an adult, I can really laugh at her behavior because it is so obviously fucking ridiculous. But as a child growing up, it really messed with my head. It took me a long time to realize that a mother shouldn't love her child when it is convenient for her. Normal moms do crazy things like, play with her kids, bake, and act silly. They don't lock their kids in their rooms all day (literally. from the outside, so we couldn't come out.) and pop a handful of pills and hope to not wake up. It wasn't just her relationship with us kids, it was her relationship with my dad. She always was jealous of the fact that we could be close to him and while we may have driven him nuts, he never hurt us out of spite and he never ever stopped loving us because we broke a glass or didn't pick up the dog poop. Her jealously caused her to act out and have horrible fights with my dad. Because of these fights it took me a LONG time to realize that throwing things at Brads head is NOT an effective means of communication and it wasn't how normal people had relationships. Luckily, Brad stuck by me and my crazy, and now we have an incredibly strong relationship. Because of our strong relationship and because he doesn't let me sip on the crazy too often, I have normal fears about being a good mom to Miss Harper instead of completely irrational fears.

In this book, Tori listed out some guidelines for having a daughter and I thought it'd be interesting to see what I came up with when I thought about what my list would say. If I ever start to sip on the crazy, ya'll can gut check me and point me back to this list.

1. I will never with hold love from my child out of spite.

2. I will never beat my child.

3. I will never attempt to bond with my child by competing with her.

4. I won't play psychological warfare games with my child.

5. I will always love and support her. Even if she wants to dye her hair purple and cover herself in tattoos. Hell, especially if she wants to do this.

6. I will love her even if she is a Republican, like her daddy.

7. I will always encourage her free spirit and imagination.

8. I will never mock her for being who she is.

9. I will always show her unconditional love.

10. I will never force feed her bologna.

11. Or Hamburger Helper. Woof.

12. I will show her it is ok to have bad days, but the change is within herself...not a handful of pills.

13. I will never let her out of the house dressed like a big ho.

14. I will let her date. When she is 30.

15. I will work my ass off so she can go to college and not have to work. But she better get some bomb ass grades to make up for it.

16. I will give her everything she wants, within reason.

17. I will be at every soccer game, dance recital, and school play.

18. I will show her the world.

19. I will hold her hand through her broken hearts and dry her tears.

20. I will never make her feel like less than.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Dear Baby...

Dear Baby Harper,


Today I am 24 weeks pregnant with you. According to Baby Center, you look like this:





How your baby's growing: Your baby's growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts him at just over a pound. Since he's almost a foot long (picture an ear of corn), he cuts a pretty lean figure at this point, but his body is filling out proportionally and he'll soon start to plump up. His brain is also growing quickly now, and his taste buds are continuing to develop. His lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory "tree" as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help his air sacs inflate once he hits the outside world. His skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon. In the past few weeks, the top of your uterus has risen above your belly button and is now about the size of a soccer ball.



It's really weird to me that my uterus is the size of a soccer ball because that seems HUGE, but I guess it makes sense. I am actually getting worried at how big my belly is getting. I have 16 weeks to go and I'm already feeling huge.






I've gotten to the point where I can't STAND to have anything across my lower belly. I finally found something that makes me comfortable and its the oddest outfit ever. I wear leggings, rolled down under my belly, a spaghetti strap nightgown, covered by a lightweight waffle sweatshirt. Brad just gives me the side eye as I walk down in it but GAH, you do NOT like having anything across your space.

Speaking of your space, on Sunday, I was laying on the sofa, watching your dad install a new door lock on our front door and you were just kind of fluttering in my belly. Molly jumped up on my chest and you were PISSED because your fluttering went to a full blown kick/punch and you haven't stopped since then. I was all excited because it was a SERIOUS move on your part and I was like omg omg! Brad! and then Molly started freaking out and you were going crazy in there! Before it was hard to distinguish what was a gas bubble and what was you moving around. But yeah, definetely no mistaking it now. You made your presence known so much that there was no doubt your dad felt your kick the other night. He quickly pulled his hand away saying, ''woah, that is weird.'' Try living it, buddy :)

I've officially become a bottomless pit and can not stop eating. I am pretty scared to step on the scale next week at the doctors office, but meh. I don't care that much. I am not really particular on what I consume, but you have seemed to move from cheeseburgers to mexican food. Which, hey, awesome. But yeah, not so awesome for my ass. I can clear a room with my farts and possibly peel the paint off the walls. You are definetely your fathers child because when I consume mexican or junk food, you FREAK OUT. You LOVE some mexican food, you get so amped and excited it is crazy.

112 days to go baby girl. We can't wait to meet you.

Love, Mama

Thursday, June 3, 2010

So.

I really thought this whole pregnancy thing was supposed to be all kittens and rainbows. No one actually told me how hard it would be.

In the beginning, you hear about the swollen feet, the morning sickness, the weight gain, the weird cravings, and the peeing every 2.4 seconds. But no one ever talks about the emotional side of it. When we first announced that I was pregnant, we got slews of comments that said, ''oh, you'll love it! it was the best time of my life!'' and ''oh, it is such wonderful experience.'' And now? Now that I am one day away from starting my 6th month of pregnancy, I can say: pregnancy fucking sucks. This is not fun. This is not the best experience of my life. This is hard. This makes me feel like less of a woman because I don't enjoy it. At all.

This has been pinging around in the back of my head for the last few weeks and I didn't want to talk about it because people are so damn judgey. But I have to talk about it or I may flip my shit on the next person that says, ''Isn't it amazing?!'' I feel like a total asshole for feeling this way but I've tried to be positive about it and enjoy it because there are women who can't get pregnant and would kill to be in this position. I finally sat down yesterday and did some googling to see what I could find out. And you know, the only person I could find that would talk about pregnancy and how it sucked was Dooce. She had a quote on a post that just stuck with me and played in my head all night. She says:

"I do not like being pregnant. I am thankful that I am pregnant, so grateful
and hopeful about the baby, thrilled about what it means for our family, but I
do not enjoy what this does to my body. I cannot relate to women who say that
they love this, that they wish they could be pregnant for years, that they have
never felt more like a woman. I don’t know exactly why, but there are things
about this that make me feel totally disenfranchised."
— Heather Armstrong,
author of Dooce. (
Original post here)

Part of me worries that because I do not enjoy being pregnant that I will not enjoy being a mom. I didn't have the best mothering example growing up, so it is really hard for me to think that I may be good at this. Before you roll your eyes that I'm worried I'll be like my mother and treat her kids like shit, I know I won't be. I know I can't do that to people, I don't have it in me. But once you board the crazy train, it's hard to keep all your thoughts from going that way. Maybe I'm just impatient? I am kind of an instant gratification kind of person, and cooking a baby takes a while. I want her here with us right now.

I haven't had a particularly rough pregnancy, so I'm not for sure where all this is coming from. I wasn't horribly sick with morning sickness all the time. I haven't had awful headaches non-stop. Hell, I haven't even gained that much weight, in fact, I'm still ahead with the weight that I've lost! But I gotta say, I feel like a housing unit and I miss being me. I miss being someone who could stay up past 9pm, who could sleep a whole night through without peeing five times a night. I miss being able to come home, crack a bottle of wine and get silly drunk with my husband. I miss wanting sex. I miss sleeping on my right side. I miss being Jess.

So how do you deal with all the changes? I can not possibly be the only woman who has experienced this or felt like this. I've tried to talk to Brad about it, but he can't understand it. He can't be pregnant and he's never had a pregnant wife before, so the poor guy is terrified to suggest the wrong thing. I can sense when I'm starting to act like crazy preggotron because his eyes get real wide, he stops moving and you can literally hear his brain screaming, ''DANGER! DANGER! ALERT! ALERT! DO NOT PISS HER OFF.'' He looks like the poor people in Jurassic Park who encounter the T-Rex and the dudes all, ''don't make any sudden movements or it will eat you.'' Then everyone stands there terrified until the pissed off T-Rex moves on. I've seen that look come across my husbands face and I don't like it. Related: A few weeks ago, he wouldn't stop asking me what was wrong and I wasn't ready to talk about it. I just kept saying, ''nothing. I'm fine.'' in that slightly pissed off, clenched teeth kind of way. So he asked AGAIN and I swear to god internets, I said, ''If you ask me that fucking question one more fucking time, I will punch you in the fucking face.'' Then I slammed my laptop and stomped off upstairs. And the poor guy. Gah, he had no idea what to do or how to react. I crawled into bed, pulled the covers over my head and we never spoke of it again.

So dear friends, please validate me and tell me that I'm not the only one who has felt like this before. Or experience the wrath of Preggotron! Kidding. Sort of.

Love,

Jess

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Dear Baby...

Dear Baby,

Today I am 20 weeks & 5 days pregnant with you. According to Baby Center, this is whats new with you:

How your baby's growing: Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long — the length of a carrot. You may soon feel like she's practicing martial arts as her initial fluttering movements turn into full-fledged kicks and nudges. You may also discover a pattern to her activity as you get to know her better. In other developments, your baby's eyebrows and lids are present now, and if you're having a girl, her vagina has begun to form as well.



I would agree with that completely. You are definetely getting your kung foo on inside me. Earlier this week, after a pepsi (I know, I know. Judge away. But I've switched to caffiene free), you were jumping around in there like crazy. I bbm'd your auntie Tracy and told her that you were doing some kung foo fighting in my belly! It's awesome to feel, until you kick my bladder when I have to pee and then that shit is not cool anymore. I don't feel you as much during the day, but you love to move at night when we are finally sitting down to relax. If I mention it to Brad, he's started to jump up to feel my belly even though its too soon to tell whats going on. He's anxious for the kicks outside the belly to start, but feel free to take your time on showing us that trick.


After finding out you were a girl last week, I decided that your bedding & nursery should refect you a bit more. After the craziness of your Aunt Marissa's wedding calmed down, I hit Target and picked up this stuffs for your room:



I was scared it wouldn't pass your dad's 'hate' test but he ended up really liking it. On the left are some crib bumpers, the small middle package is a fitted sheet, under that is a HUGE rug that is totally adorable, and finally: an owl pillow. Everything I keep looking at keeps coming back to a ''woodland creatures'' theme too it. Cute birds, owls, trees, etc. I found a curtain valance for your room that I am dying to buy that has a baby hedgehog on it. A BABY HEDGEHOG. Seriously. I die from the cuteness. I think this stuff will look totally adorable against the espresso colored furniture we have picked out. I can't wait to dive in and start driving your dad crazy with paint colors, light fixtures, and wall art.

Last Thursday, we found out that you were a girl and it was one of the best moments of my life. We both were anxious, watching the sonogram tech go over every inch of your body and explaining to us that yes, your brain was good, and yes, your heart was good and yay! you had all your fingers and toes and just when I was sure we were both going to jump out of our skin from impatience, she asked us if we wanted to know the sex. We both practically shouted ''YES'' at the tech and she told us you were a girl. I can't explain how it felt to hear that everything was ok and I was getting the little girl I wanted so much. Not that I wouldn't love you if you were a boy, but I think deep down, both your dad and I really wanted a girl.

I mentioned in the last blog post that I didn't fee like I had bonded with you yet, but it has all changed for me. When the tech told us ''It's a girl!'' a light switch flipped inside me and I started bawling. I let myself go and opened up to the idea that you will exist in our lives in just a few short months (19ish weeks, eeps!) and I can't stop thinking about you. You haven't been called the parasite in over a week now and it's so cool to get to call you Harper or say things like ''she's moving around!'' and see your dads reaction. I've gone soft and turned into a bucket o'mush. But your dad? Hoooboy, he's gone around the bend and is SO EXCITED you are coming. It's sweet to hear him refer to you, molly, and I as ''his girls.''

We love you so much, Harper.

Love,

Mama

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

for the baby daddy:

BAKAWK!

Friday, April 9, 2010

dear baby...

dear baby,

Today I am 14 weeks pregnant with you. This is the longest I've ever carried a baby and its interesting what's going on with my body. I've noticed in the last few weeks that I've become very forgiving with my body and all its lumps & bumps. It was a gradual change and I realized that it'd been weeks since I beat myself up over being chunky. I am actually excited to see my belly grow and change and can't wait for the day when I'm all rounded out instead of looking like I hit a kegger the night before.

According to my Baby Center weekly email, you look something like this:

This week's big developments: Your baby can now squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his thumb! Thanks to brain impulses, his facial muscles are getting a workout as his tiny features form one expression after another. His kidneys are producing urine, which he releases into the amniotic fluid around him — a process he'll keep up until birth. He can grasp, too, and if you're having an ultrasound now, you may even catch him sucking his thumb.

In other news: Your baby's stretching out. From head to bottom, he measures 3 1/2 inches — about the size of a lemon — and he weighs 1 1/2 ounces.



I am craving cantaloupe like crazy. Same goes for oranges, cheeseburgers (still), red gatorade, watermelon jolly ranchers, and orange juice. Lunch meat is another big craving, but only if I get the sandwich from somewhere like Subway or Quiznos. For some reason, I can't stomach the smell of the lunch meat at home. FINALLY, I am able to stomach coffee again, praise the tiny baby jesus. My prenatal's have started to really upset my tummy lately, so I've been taking them right before bed & hoping I can fall asleep before the nausea hits. I'd have to say, my biggest complaint about pregnancy so far is that I can't poop unless I load up on Benefiber and stool softeners, thanks for that by the way. I thought I was dying last night or surely suffering another miscarriage, but thankfully it was just poop. I really hope you get blessed with your dads pooper and not mine because you will be oh so screwed.

Oh and on May 20th, we can find out (FINALLY) if you are a boy or a girl. We've picked out names for you and started to say them to family and friends when they ask.

182 days until we get to meet you. We are so excited.

Love,

Mama

Monday, March 29, 2010

dear baby...

Dear Baby,


Today I am 12 weeks, 3 days pregnant with you. It is too early to tell if you are a boy or a girl, so for now, we'll stick with Baby...since your dad gets all mad when I call you ''the parasite'', he is SO touchy. :)


According to my weekly email from BabyCenter, you are currently the size of a lime.

Which, instantly, reminds me of that song, ''you put the lime in the coconut something something." Don't ask baby, your mama is weird. I'm not sure how something the size of a lime could bloat me up so badly but there are a lot of things I don't understand about being pregnant. Like how at 12 weeks pregnant, I'm in maternity pants? Which, don't get me wrong, these will surely be making an appearance at thanksgiving dinner and between us, I think your dads a little jealous he still has to button his pants everyday. The weekly email also tells me that I'll be feeling more like eating the closer I get to the 2nd trimester. To that I say, HA! The closer I get to the 2nd trimester, the crappier I feel. There was an incident last week with a hot dog that I shudder to think about now. Let's just say, Mama doesn't make the best food decisions when she's starving.

We I am a freakish planner and now that we are under 200 days til your arrival, I'm having a hard time keeping myself from shopping for you. We've ordered your nursery bedding in a fun, gender neutral pattern & colors, and have bought you some adorable stuffed animals. We started starring things we love on Etsy, adorable hats & tutu's (if your a girl) that will surely make your teenage life hell when you glance back at the photos your dad will take of you. We started a baby registry thats mostly filled with a whole lot of nothing because we really have no idea where to start when it comes to buying for a baby. But the biggest change we've made is how open we are to the thought of you. Before we were pregnant, your dad & I were incredibly selfish people and we hesitated to get pregnant because we were afraid it'd take away from you. But in the last few weeks, I've seen such a change in Brad and I that it staggers me and brings tears to my eyes. We already have so much love for you that sometimes it overwhelms me & I can't breathe at the thought of you being in our lives in such a short time.

Love,

Mama

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Happy Anniversary!

Some of the reasons why I love Brad:
  • He chills me out. If I'm feeling super tense in a situation, he'll take my hand and just silently stand there til I calm down.

  • He's not overly touchy feely. I can't handle people being all up in mah grill and he knows that as well as respects that.

  • He's there for everything related to the baby. He helps pick out names, nursery colors, he's there for the scary appointments and is the only one that can get away with rubbing my belly.

  • He spoils me. In all areas of life.

  • He's so very ridiculously in love with Molly.

  • He lets me steal the covers.

  • He lets me be me and doesn't try to change me or expect me to be something different to suit him.

  • He loves me unconditionally.

Happy Anniversary babe, I can't wait for another 60 more.


Monday, March 22, 2010

A long overdo update:

It has been about a hundred million years since my last update. I apologize deeply, dear bloggy friends. But crapballs, no one warned me how exhausting growing a baby would be. It is interesting to think about how I thought about pregnancy before I actually got pregnant. Before the parasite latched on, I figured I’d be sick 24/7 and for some reason, I guess I thought a baby bump would come immediately?

Yeah. I have no idea.

But now? Now, it is different.

Like for instance, I’ve only been sick three times—praise the tiny baby jesus for that one. I walk around most days feeling like I have a 2 bottle wine hangover. I’m queasy, headachy, and woozy feeling.. I didn’t expect to feel so sore either (I am pretty sure Brad is beating me at night with a sack of potatoes) or experience these god awful leg cramps that will NOT GO AWAY no matter how many nasty ass bananas I eat or gallons of water I consume. Or how restless my legs would be all night so that I couldn’t get comfortable no matter how I slept. Or how bad my bladder would hurt if I woke up having to pee in the middle of the night because I didn’t go immediately. Or how big my boobs have gotten in just 11.5 short weeks. Or how exhausting showering would be. Or how freaking mushy I’d feel about everything. Or how stabbity I’d feel about everything.

Ugh. I feel like such a girl.

However, in an interesting turn of events, I’m actually losing weight because I’m not consuming so many bottles glasses of wine & my taste for cake has completely gone out the window. This child craves naps, water, cheeseburgers, ice cold coke, sub sandwiches, ice cold beer (sad face), pasta, salad, chicken nuggets, and pudding packs. I can burp and fart like a frat boy and am getting many high fives from my coworkers when I outdo them.

As of today, I am 11 weeks 3 days pregnant & have 11 days left in my first trimester.

 
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