Today, you are 4 months and 6 days old. Part of me feels like four months is such a LITTLE number because you have grown oh so much and I can barely stand it. You are becoming such a big big little girl with the most adorable personality. You hold your head up now! Your big ol’ bald head! You love to stand up and shake your little booty when I hold you up. And you can sit up if I help you out. And! You roll over now! Then you look at me like, “oh my mother jeebus, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!” How did you get to be so big?! Stop it.
You have the BEST laugh that shakes your whole little body and you are starting to make the funniest little noises. Daddy & I were sure this week you’d been replaced by a velicoraptor based on the RAWR noises you were making. When you get excited, you RAWR and launch yourself at someone and start to giggle like crazy. It scared the crap out of me the first time you did it and now it is the best part of the day. You love love to chew on your “finders’’ or fingers, for those who don’t reside at Casa de Nerdy. It almost makes me a little sad, but I think you are over the binky now that you’ve figured out the finder thing. You are the still the sweetest little lovey baby ever and you still (thank god) love to cuddle and be close to us. When you are tired, you are starting to rub your face and if we are holding you, you smoosh and rub your lil face against us. This is great, unless you’ve been drooling like crazy and wipe it all over us. But I’ll definitely take drool over you puking down my cleavage any day of the week (which you’ve managed to do twice in the last week.)
You are wrapping up your first little cold and not one person warned me how hard it would be on ME. Listening to you cough, sneeze and wheeze has been hell and I’ve spent the last two weeks sucking boogers out, wiping your nose, giving you saline drops, making sure your humidifier is filled and giving lots of snuggles & kisses. You alternate between cracking up at the booger sucker o’death and or screaming like I am killing you. If I make it a big joke, you seem to not mind it so much…but if not, oh boy. You arch that back and SCREAM and then you stick that bottom lip out in the cutest pout I have EVER seen and I die right there. Seriously kid, I can’t handle the cute sometimes. It is just too much.
Harper, Mama has been struggling a lot lately with some pretty major postpartum anxiety and OCD. I want you to know that if you ever look back to read this: it is not your fault, not at all. Mama had a wee bit of an obsessive personality before and since you’ve been here it has morphed into something bigger than what I could handle. I am terrified of something happening to you and the fear, anxiety and obsessive compulsions have taken over my life. It is weird to think that I have never been so alive and yet, so on the verge of collapse as I have been in the last few months. I knew that I wasn’t being the best mama that I could be for you. I know that my anxiety was holding us back from so much and if I didn’t fix it now, I’d only get much much worse and that would only hurt you in the long run. I saw our wonderful OB on Monday and as soon as she walked in the room, I burst into tears. I haven’t been able to accurately express how I was feeling to your dad or my friends…but the second she walked in, everything came flooding out of me and we sat there and talked for an hour about how to fix this. It has just been a few days of medications and Mama is already feeling so much better. I’m starting to sleep at night, instead of lying there worrying & obsessing that I’d miss something if I fell asleep. I can get through the day without having a panic attack that I can’t be with you all the time (even though you are SO SO happy at daycare and just love Miss Angie & Miss Deborah) and I’m not sitting in the laundry room at 3am, crying over how exhausted I am that my four month old can sleep through the night but I can’t seem too. I really didn’t want to get back on medication, but I can’t deny that it is helping me so much & that only makes me a better Mama for you.
It is amazing to me that I have any room left inside of me to love you as much as I do, baby girl. It seems to grow bigger every day and I’m sure one day I’ll explode into a million kittens, hearts & rainbows. I thought I understood love before you were in my life and now, I really know what love is. You are the best thing to happen to me kiddo. I love you to the moon & back.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Today I am 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant with you. I honestly didn't think we'd make it this far in our little bun/oven operation we've had going for the last 10 months. I figured you'd pop early--because you seem SO IMPATIENT but nope, you are in it for the long haul. In fact, we found out at our appointment yesterday that I'm not even dilated yet (barely a 'fingertip' dilated. bah!) and you are all ''nope, thanks. I'm good in here, no need to come out.'' But alas, monster baby (I mean that with love. I am excited you are big and that I could grow you this long...also? I really hope you are a chunky monkey.) you got your eviction notice via our bomb ass OB yesterday. We are checking into the hospital Sunday evening at 7pm to start a ''short induction'' on you. By short induction, we are going to check in for some meds to ''ripen my cervix'' *insert BIG SHUDDER here* and sometime early in the am, they will start me on some Pitocin--if my cervix dilates. They will only let me labor for a max of 8-12 hours because they don't want me to be exhausted when it's time to deliver you. If you aren't making any progress by Monday afternoon, they will give me a c-section Monday evening. Either way, you'll be here Monday night, in our arms and stealing all the attention away from your Uncle TP's birthday.
Everyone is practically SQUEEEEING at the thought of you being here in such a short time. I'm kinda split on the issue. Part of me is squeeeeing because you'll be here! and I'll be done with pregnancy! but the other part of me is terrified of labor and what could happen. Everyone keeps telling me to relax and it'll be fine because women have been delivering baby's for millions of years. But this girl? This girl has never had a baby before and this girl doesn't know what to expect. So please, enough with the "it'll be fine because women have been delivering baby's for millions of years." crap because it only makes me feel more crazy and feel more out of control. I think it finally clicked for your dad last night because he said exactly what I was needing to hear...that it was ok to be scared and that it was ok to worry because it is a big deal. I think he may have said it under a smidge of terror because I was in the middle of an EPIC level meltdown and he was too afraid to make sudden movements or breathe too loud. And because there was a gun in the back seat of the car within arms reach of the crazy preggotron.
This is probably the last ''Dear Baby'' I'll write while I'm pregnant and that gives me a little bit of the sad face. I can't wait to look over these posts and see how I've changed because of you. I can't wait to sit down with you someday and show you how we grew together and read to you my thoughts on becoming a mama. I'm pretty terrified at the thought of leaving the hospital with a baby, so go easy on me. If you do, I'll let your Daddy buy you a shiny fast car for your 16th birthday. If not, we will use the money to pay for your therapy.
P.S. We got this email from Baby Center for our 39th week of pregnancy and it made both of us CRACK UP:
How your baby's growing:Your baby's waiting to greet the world! He continues to build a layer of fat to help control his body temperature after birth, but it's likely he already measures about 20 inches and weighs a bit over 7 pounds, a mini watermelon.
Haha, mini watermelon MY ASS. Your dad said, ''mini watermelon?! NOT OUR BABY.'' :)
Monday, September 20, 2010
- Me: September 25th
- Brad: September 29th
- Marissa: September 28th
- Tracy: September 22nd
- CJ: September 26th
- Jen: September 27th
- Trey: October 1st
- Mom: September 23rd
- Michael: October 15th (yeeesh)
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Today, I am 33 weeks and 1 day pregnant with you. According to Baby Center, you currently look like this:
But actually, you look more like this:
Blergh. The grandmothers wanted to check out a sonogram with us, so we decided to schedule a 4D ultrasound for our families. Both sets of grandparents were there along with your Aunt Marissa. It was so weird seeing you in 4D and even though we shelled out the money for this, I still think it is incredibly creepy. Sorry, kid. I think you have your Dads lips and he thinks you have my nose. It'll be interesting to compare you to this photo when you finally get here in 7 short weeks.
In the next few days, your two aunties from other sides of the states will be here to visit. Jen and Tracy are flying in from the west & east coasts to spend a long weekend with us and attend your second baby shower. I have so! much! to! do! before they get here, but I'm super excited. Tomorrow, your dad & I plan to finish your nursery and get the room ready so everyone can see it next weekend. We are pretty stoked to see it all come together and get your piles of stuff situated in one location. It is so weird to see your stuff all over the house and putting away some of the bottles we received yesterday at my work shower was enough to send me into a panic attack. In just a few weeks, you'll be here and our life will change forever. I am more panicked and Brad is more calm as each day passes. I keep looking at your clothes thinking two thoughts: 1. "It is impossible for you to be *this* tiny when you come." and 2. "WHO THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO GIVE ME A BABY?!" I apologize for screaming, but really. I have no idea what to do with you and or how to be a mother. Oy.
In other news, I am currently out of work on Short Term Disability due to my job requirements. So far, I've been home a week and between us girls, I really enjoy it. I'm nesting, baking, and cooking everyday. Plus, I'm resting and getting to enjoy some time with Molly before you get here. It has been so nice to not be constantly exhausted and cranky all day. I think your Dad enjoys it too, because I've been cooking some pretty awesome meals if I do say so myself :)
In the last few weeks, I've discovered that the third trimester is incredibly similar to the first trimester. Food is kind of hit and miss again...the headaches are back...and I'm sore all.the.time. Also? I am pretty sure you are trying to split my chucky in half and I keep having dreams of you punching a fist out at any given time. Your movements are much more deliberate these days and when you get the hiccups, my whole belly shakes. You currently crave potatoes--in any variety, tomatoes, ice water, chocolate (which gives me the worst heartburn, ever), plums, and guacamole.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Today I am 27 weeks pregnant with you, which starts my 7th month of pregnancy. It seems the interwebz is split in half in whether the 27th week or the 28th week offiicially starts my third trimester. Either way, I can't believe we've made it to 7 months together and we are just 91 days (!!!) away from your official due date. Which, excuse my language, but holy fucking shit. I have no idea where the time has gone and it seems like now that we are under a 100 days, it is just zooming by.
You are getting bigger everyday and kicking harder, every day. According to Baby Center, this is what 27 weeks looks like and what you are doing:
How your baby's growing: This week, your baby weighs almost 2 pounds (like a head of cauliflower) and is about 14 1/2 inches long with her legs extended. She's sleeping and waking at regular intervals, opening and closing her eyes, and perhaps even sucking her fingers. With more brain tissue developing, your baby's brain is very active now. While her lungs are still immature, they would be capable of functioning — with a lot of medical help — if she were to be born now. Chalk up any tiny rhythmic movements you may be feeling to a case of baby hiccups, which may be common from now on.
We are just six days away from seeing you again, as Dr. Awesome has ordered another follow up ultrasound to determine whether or not I'll need a c-section because my placenta is being an asshole. I think the last doctor we saw was just a little ''cut-happy'' because she's a surgeon and basically offered it up as our only option. However, last month, we got Dr. Awesome in our rotation and he didn't think it'd be 100% positive and decided to do another u/s to check. That's fine with us, he's an awesome doctor and just wants to be sure everythings right and bonus! we get to see you again. The same day, we have our 7th month appointment and the dreaded glucose test. Woooof, I am not looking forward to that one, not one bit. Thankfully, it is the hour test and I've already had one at the start of pregnancy, so I know what to expect.
After this appointment, we bump up to seeing the doctor every two weeks. It's getting so close, Harper and I have to admit, it is scaring the bejesus out of me. Last night, during dinner, your dad and I looked at each other with the same terrified look in our eyes as we talked about finalizing the baby registry and I have to admit, a big part of me wanted to pack a bag and make a run for it. Which is silly, because you are inside me, so I wouldn't really be escaping but that fight or flight instinct took over and a few seconds later I calmed right down. During dinner, your dad and I had a long talk about his employment situation and whether or not he should be a stay at home daddy. I think it is a fantastic idea and one that I 100% fully support...I think he would be amazing at that job and it would benefit you both in so many ways.
It is so awesome to me that you aren't even here yet and you already have your dad wrapped around your little finger. He has been hard at work while I am at work remodeling your nursery. All thats left is to paint, hang some adorable wallpaper border we found, and assemble your crib. Then I get the fun part and get to go in and hang your photos, curtains and decorate with the little stuff I've picked up here and there. Your dad and I are going to take some maternity photos in the next few weeks and I can't wait to see how they turn out.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Today I am 24 weeks pregnant with you. According to Baby Center, you look like this:
How your baby's growing: Your baby's growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts him at just over a pound. Since he's almost a foot long (picture an ear of corn), he cuts a pretty lean figure at this point, but his body is filling out proportionally and he'll soon start to plump up. His brain is also growing quickly now, and his taste buds are continuing to develop. His lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory "tree" as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help his air sacs inflate once he hits the outside world. His skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon. In the past few weeks, the top of your uterus has risen above your belly button and is now about the size of a soccer ball.
It's really weird to me that my uterus is the size of a soccer ball because that seems HUGE, but I guess it makes sense. I am actually getting worried at how big my belly is getting. I have 16 weeks to go and I'm already feeling huge.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Today I am 20 weeks & 5 days pregnant with you. According to Baby Center, this is whats new with you:
How your baby's growing: Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long — the length of a carrot. You may soon feel like she's practicing martial arts as her initial fluttering movements turn into full-fledged kicks and nudges. You may also discover a pattern to her activity as you get to know her better. In other developments, your baby's eyebrows and lids are present now, and if you're having a girl, her vagina has begun to form as well.
I would agree with that completely. You are definetely getting your kung foo on inside me. Earlier this week, after a pepsi (I know, I know. Judge away. But I've switched to caffiene free), you were jumping around in there like crazy. I bbm'd your auntie Tracy and told her that you were doing some kung foo fighting in my belly! It's awesome to feel, until you kick my bladder when I have to pee and then that shit is not cool anymore. I don't feel you as much during the day, but you love to move at night when we are finally sitting down to relax. If I mention it to Brad, he's started to jump up to feel my belly even though its too soon to tell whats going on. He's anxious for the kicks outside the belly to start, but feel free to take your time on showing us that trick.
After finding out you were a girl last week, I decided that your bedding & nursery should refect you a bit more. After the craziness of your Aunt Marissa's wedding calmed down, I hit Target and picked up this stuffs for your room:
I was scared it wouldn't pass your dad's 'hate' test but he ended up really liking it. On the left are some crib bumpers, the small middle package is a fitted sheet, under that is a HUGE rug that is totally adorable, and finally: an owl pillow. Everything I keep looking at keeps coming back to a ''woodland creatures'' theme too it. Cute birds, owls, trees, etc. I found a curtain valance for your room that I am dying to buy that has a baby hedgehog on it. A BABY HEDGEHOG. Seriously. I die from the cuteness. I think this stuff will look totally adorable against the espresso colored furniture we have picked out. I can't wait to dive in and start driving your dad crazy with paint colors, light fixtures, and wall art.
Last Thursday, we found out that you were a girl and it was one of the best moments of my life. We both were anxious, watching the sonogram tech go over every inch of your body and explaining to us that yes, your brain was good, and yes, your heart was good and yay! you had all your fingers and toes and just when I was sure we were both going to jump out of our skin from impatience, she asked us if we wanted to know the sex. We both practically shouted ''YES'' at the tech and she told us you were a girl. I can't explain how it felt to hear that everything was ok and I was getting the little girl I wanted so much. Not that I wouldn't love you if you were a boy, but I think deep down, both your dad and I really wanted a girl.
I mentioned in the last blog post that I didn't fee like I had bonded with you yet, but it has all changed for me. When the tech told us ''It's a girl!'' a light switch flipped inside me and I started bawling. I let myself go and opened up to the idea that you will exist in our lives in just a few short months (19ish weeks, eeps!) and I can't stop thinking about you. You haven't been called the parasite in over a week now and it's so cool to get to call you Harper or say things like ''she's moving around!'' and see your dads reaction. I've gone soft and turned into a bucket o'mush. But your dad? Hoooboy, he's gone around the bend and is SO EXCITED you are coming. It's sweet to hear him refer to you, molly, and I as ''his girls.''
We love you so much, Harper.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Today, I am 19 weeks pregnant with you. Woah.
According to Baby Center, you look something like this:
(this does not look very comfy for you. no wonder you are stretchingggggg my insides out.)
And this is what’s going on with you this week:
Your baby's sensory development is exploding! Her brain is designating specialized areas for smell, taste, hearing, vision, and touch. Some research suggests that she may be able to hear your voice now, so don't be shy about reading aloud, talking to her, or singing a happy tune if the mood strikes you.Your baby weighs about 8 1/2 ounces and measures 6 inches, head to bottom — about the size of a large heirloom tomato. Her arms and legs are in the right proportions to each other and the rest of her body now. Her kidneys continue to make urine and the hair on her scalp is sprouting. A waxy protective coating called the vernix caseosa is forming on her skin to prevent it from pickling in the amniotic fluid.
You'll start growing even faster in the weeks to come. As a result, you may notice some achiness in your lower abdomen or even an occasional brief, stabbing pain on one or both sides — especially when you shift position or at the end of an active day. Most likely, this is round ligament pain. You may be noticing some skin changes, too. Are the palms of your hands red? Nothing to worry about — it's from the extra estrogen. You may also have patches of darkened skin caused by a temporary increase in pigment.
I feel HUGE this week compared to last week. Especially after I eat, holy cow, the belly is crazy big then! It is really weird to be at 19 weeks, just one short week away from finding out if you are a boy or a girl. Eeeee! We are SO EXCITED and can’t wait to know.
With the addition of the huge belly, everything has started to itch and I have the scratch marks to prove it. I look like my legs have been attacked by a new kitten, holy redness!
In the past few weeks my cravings have switched gears a bit and now I’m craving new stuff. Tomatoes with salt, bagels, cupcakes (uh oh), pepsi (coke now tastes funny.) chips & salsa, GARDETTOS (noms), beer (sad face), and hot fudge. Mmmm. I CAN’T stop eating. It is ridiculous, but it’s like a light switched flipped and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get enough food in mah belly. Everyone says its because you are growing like crazy, but I have a feeling I’ll be getting those 10lbs I’ve lost back, ASAP.
During the storms that slammed the Midwest on Wednesday night, you were moving like CRAZY. You were like a little dancing ninja in my belly, it was so weird! I think they amp’d you up, or maybe you were picking up on my adrenaline? Not sure, but it was an interesting feeling!
I feel like a bad mom for admitting this, but I don’t really feel like I’ve ‘bonded’ with you yet. I think a big part of it has to do with the fact that I’m pretty sure I’m going to lose this pregnancy at any given moment. It still seems very surreal to me that I’m 19 weeks pregnant and everything is going ok. I feel pretty good, have a lot of energy back, can eat food again, and have heard your heartbeat a handful of times. But a big part of me is afraid to get too attached because I don’t want to lose another baby, especially you. I start to feel a little crazy right before each appointment and it builds into a pretty big anxiety attack that I haven’t mentioned to anyone. I sit there panicked as your dad drives us to the doctors office, convinced that we won’t find a heartbeat and you’ll be gone. I know this is all crazy and dumb, but I’m hoping to experience a big sigh of relief next Thursday after our sonogram.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Dear baby: please please please be a girl.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Today I am 14 weeks pregnant with you. This is the longest I've ever carried a baby and its interesting what's going on with my body. I've noticed in the last few weeks that I've become very forgiving with my body and all its lumps & bumps. It was a gradual change and I realized that it'd been weeks since I beat myself up over being chunky. I am actually excited to see my belly grow and change and can't wait for the day when I'm all rounded out instead of looking like I hit a kegger the night before.
According to my Baby Center weekly email, you look something like this:
This week's big developments: Your baby can now squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his thumb! Thanks to brain impulses, his facial muscles are getting a workout as his tiny features form one expression after another. His kidneys are producing urine, which he releases into the amniotic fluid around him — a process he'll keep up until birth. He can grasp, too, and if you're having an ultrasound now, you may even catch him sucking his thumb.
In other news: Your baby's stretching out. From head to bottom, he measures 3 1/2 inches — about the size of a lemon — and he weighs 1 1/2 ounces.
I am craving cantaloupe like crazy. Same goes for oranges, cheeseburgers (still), red gatorade, watermelon jolly ranchers, and orange juice. Lunch meat is another big craving, but only if I get the sandwich from somewhere like Subway or Quiznos. For some reason, I can't stomach the smell of the lunch meat at home. FINALLY, I am able to stomach coffee again, praise the tiny baby jesus. My prenatal's have started to really upset my tummy lately, so I've been taking them right before bed & hoping I can fall asleep before the nausea hits. I'd have to say, my biggest complaint about pregnancy so far is that I can't poop unless I load up on Benefiber and stool softeners, thanks for that by the way. I thought I was dying last night or surely suffering another miscarriage, but thankfully it was just poop. I really hope you get blessed with your dads pooper and not mine because you will be oh so screwed.
Oh and on May 20th, we can find out (FINALLY) if you are a boy or a girl. We've picked out names for you and started to say them to family and friends when they ask.
182 days until we get to meet you. We are so excited.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Which, instantly, reminds me of that song, ''you put the lime in the coconut something something." Don't ask baby, your mama is weird. I'm not sure how something the size of a lime could bloat me up so badly but there are a lot of things I don't understand about being pregnant. Like how at 12 weeks pregnant, I'm in maternity pants? Which, don't get me wrong, these will surely be making an appearance at thanksgiving dinner and between us, I think your dads a little jealous he still has to button his pants everyday. The weekly email also tells me that I'll be feeling more like eating the closer I get to the 2nd trimester. To that I say, HA! The closer I get to the 2nd trimester, the crappier I feel. There was an incident last week with a hot dog that I shudder to think about now. Let's just say, Mama doesn't make the best food decisions when she's starving.
We I am a freakish planner and now that we are under 200 days til your arrival, I'm having a hard time keeping myself from shopping for you. We've ordered your nursery bedding in a fun, gender neutral pattern & colors, and have bought you some adorable stuffed animals. We started starring things we love on Etsy, adorable hats & tutu's (if your a girl) that will surely make your teenage life hell when you glance back at the photos your dad will take of you. We started a baby registry thats mostly filled with a whole lot of nothing because we really have no idea where to start when it comes to buying for a baby. But the biggest change we've made is how open we are to the thought of you. Before we were pregnant, your dad & I were incredibly selfish people and we hesitated to get pregnant because we were afraid it'd take away from you. But in the last few weeks, I've seen such a change in Brad and I that it staggers me and brings tears to my eyes. We already have so much love for you that sometimes it overwhelms me & I can't breathe at the thought of you being in our lives in such a short time.