Nerdy Jess

Post Partum: An Update.

2011-04-12T09:54:00.000-05:00

The other day, I recieved an email from a fellow blogger. She was curious about how my Post Partum OCD & Anxiety were going and wanted to know if I'd update everyone on my progress.

There are days when my OCD & Anxiety are very minimal and I almost forget that I have it. There are days when I can go the whole day without worrying about Harper more than the average parent does. There are sunshiney days where my whole world is kittens & rainbows and I almost burst with love over my little family. I think to myself, ''High five, self. You are awesome!''

Then something happens.

Something that causes that tiny little tingle of fear to skirt up my spine.

Somone cuts me off in traffic just a little to close when Harper is in the car. She coughs when she's having her bottle. She bonks her head with her rattle.

Most days, I can ignore the little tingle and go about my day. The Effexor & Xanax cocktail the doctor has me on is working wonders for me. I'm sleeping most nights and I'll wake up to look at the clock & see I've slept the whole night with no nightmares. But other days, I find myself bombarded with intrusive thoughts, anger, fear, physical & mental compulsions that if I don't complete, I can not function. I'll think, ''did I turn off the oven? I didn't turn off the oven. No, no, I turned it off, I'm sure of it. We haven't cooked in days! Duh!'' and then I'll move on, until 3am when I'm convinced the house is going to burn down and we are all going to die and it'll be my fault. I'll have to get out of bed, whispering to Molly to stay, where I'll stumble down the stairs, check that the oven is off. Then I'll have to check on Harper and suddenly my minds awake & I'm not going back to sleep for the rest of the night because my brain is in overdrive. I'll try to read, but images of our house burned down will pop into my mind, like horrible flashbacks. I'll hear what people will say about me, ''She should have checked the oven. This is all her fault.'' No matter what I do, the thoughts won't go away. It's horrible to have a brain like this. Horrible to feel like this, but most days, the medicine helps. Most days, I can function like a normal mama & be fun.

Most days, I'm not crazy. There are days when I don't want to punch my husband because he can laugh at some joke on TV. When I'm angry because I'm the only one suffering. He could be feeding Harper and I'm sitting there thinking, ''Why do I have to do EVERYTHING? Why do I take care of everyone? I never get a break!'' all the while, Brad let's his dinner go cold to feed Harper. It makes no sense and it drives me bonkers that I have this in my life. I want to feel normal everyday. I don't want to be dependant on medicine to feel that way. Luckily, the days where I feel like this are few and far between. They seem to be further and further apart and I'm my normal, happy self. And that? That is enough to get me through the hard days.

Harper Six Month Update

2011-04-06T21:28:00.000-05:00

Stats:

Weight: 14.1lbs
Height: 25 1/4 inches
Dome: 16 inches
She averages in the 30th percentile for her age group.

Random Things:

She has two teeth coming in! They've broken the skin & you can see them when she smiles.
Harper blows raspberry's like crazy.
She gurgles almost non-stop.
She sits up, unassisted for about 10 minutes. Unless you say, ''Yay, Harper!''
She rolls alllllllll over the place.
She loves to laugh
She puts everything in her mouth & will chew on anything.
She is completely fascinated and in love with the Molly dog.
She does not like bananas.
She does not like anything cold. Medicine, bottles, anything.
She loves loves loves daycare & her teachers.
She is on her 4th ear infection in 6 months.
She is seeing a specialist ENT at Childrens Mercy to discuss surgery :(
She loves to pull on Brad's goatee & my hair.
She sleeps through the night.
She is still the best baby, ever.

wordless wednesday...sittin' like a boss.

2011-03-30T06:42:00.001-05:00

Sunday Citar...

2011-03-27T02:14:00.000-05:00

One of the most obvious results of having a baby around the house is to turn two good people into complete idiots who probably wouldn't have been much worse than mere imbeciles without it. ~Georges Courteline

wordless wednesday...little stinker

2011-03-16T19:00:00.001-05:00

thankful tuesday...

2011-03-15T04:37:00.015-05:00

It may come as a shock to you, my dear readers, that I'm not much for talking about my emotions. I tend to keep things bottled up and close off a part of myself so that it can't get hurt. I let people know how much they mean to me, but never too much--because, sadly, I learned that hard way that people can use that information against you to hurt you in ways you didn't know possible. So a part of me always holds back, always. So should something happen, I can still walk away with a part of my heart that isn't damaged.

There are a very limited amount of people in my life that I let fully in. Very few. In fact, I can count them on one hand. Theres Brad, of course...but still, it took me quite a while to fully let him in. Theres my amazing daughter, who I love completely and without any thoughts of holding back...Theres my sister, because, well, she's my sister. And then there are Tracy & Jen. Two random internet strangers I met because of this here blog and now, two-ish years later, random commenting, then emailing, texting, bbm'ing, phone calls, and finally, cross country trips have resulted in the two closest friendships I've ever had. We've been through a lot together in our years together, some major ups, some major lows, love, loss, marriage, a few babies, and just a whole lot of everyday life. These two girls have come to mean the world to me and having them in my life is one of the brightest lights I've ever experienced.

I met Tracy first, deciding last year to use my Christmas money to buy a plane ticket, fly to California and meet what could be a crazy 500lb man from the internet who wanted to chop off my feet and leave me in the desert. When I walked out of that airport and saw her holding her sweet baby, I knew right then that I'd found a friend that would stick by me through whatever. Our four days together were entirely too short and we cried when I flew back home. In August, Jen & Tracy flew here to see me for my baby shower. I worried if it'd be the same when I saw Tracy again...if we'd click like we did, if she'd realize just how weird I was and decide to call it quits. But what I found was like it was like we'd only been apart for five minutes not six months. When we picked up Jen, I knew we were both nervous...what if she was too cool for us? What if she hated me? I swear, it was like an audible click when the three of us hugged. It was like at that moment, we became more than friends and closer to sisters.

Whenever we'd talk about them visiting for the shower, we'd talk of the food we'd eat, the million photos we'd make Brad take of us, the things we'd bake and the places we'd visit. What we did was even better. We sat around, piled on top of each other and talked the four days away. Every once and a while, one of them would lean over and rub my belly & Harper would kick them back. We managed to get one group photo of us together in the four days. We were so wrapped up in each other that it didn't register to snap more photos. I told them the other day that I wondered if it'd be easier if we'd never met...so we wouldn't know what we were missing, being so far apart...and after they yelled at me for saying something like that...I still wondered to myself if being so far apart was worth it...until I was in the nursery on Sunday. I was rearranging somethings to make room for some new stuff and I saw the above photo in a frame that Jen made for Harper. There we were, smiling away, arms linked together and standing closer than I ever let anyone near me (another factoid, I'm not big on touching.) I leaned down to show the picture to Harper and said:

"Harper, these are your aunties Jen & Tracy. They are the best people in the whole world and they love you soooooooo much.'' As she smiled & giggled, I knew that those two assholes are one of the best parts of my life. I knew that I was right in meeting them and while it may hurt that we are so far apart, they are always there....no matter what.

Sunday Citar...

2011-03-13T17:06:00.000-05:00

A daughter is a mother's gender partner, her closest ally in the family confederacy, an extension of her self.
-- Author Unknown

WW: Miss Harper's First Rice Cereal

2011-02-16T13:57:00.000-06:00

Four Month Stats!

2011-02-14T14:32:00.000-06:00

Harper had her four month check up Friday morning.

She is 12.6lbs and 25(!!!) inches long.
In the 20th percentile and right on track for her age.
Can start rice cereal 1x a day for the first week, the 2x a day for the 2nd week and then we can switch to oatmeal then she can mix the oatmeal + the stage 1 foods!
Poor muffin has an ear infection so she’ll be on amoxicillin for 10 days to clear it up.
She’s growing perfectly and said that she is kicking ass at holding her head up & tummy time and her dome looks perfect so we aren’t leaving her on it for too long.
She also has 2 (!!!) teeth about ready to pop thru (we just felt 1) and she says sometime in the next month she expects them to come thru.

Dear Baby: Four Months.

2011-02-10T08:29:00.000-06:00

Dear Harper,

Today, you are 4 months and 6 days old. Part of me feels like four months is such a LITTLE number because you have grown oh so much and I can barely stand it. You are becoming such a big big little girl with the most adorable personality. You hold your head up now! Your big ol’ bald head! You love to stand up and shake your little booty when I hold you up. And you can sit up if I help you out. And! You roll over now! Then you look at me like, “oh my mother jeebus, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!” How did you get to be so big?! Stop it.

You have the BEST laugh that shakes your whole little body and you are starting to make the funniest little noises. Daddy & I were sure this week you’d been replaced by a velicoraptor based on the RAWR noises you were making. When you get excited, you RAWR and launch yourself at someone and start to giggle like crazy. It scared the crap out of me the first time you did it and now it is the best part of the day. You love love to chew on your “finders’’ or fingers, for those who don’t reside at Casa de Nerdy. It almost makes me a little sad, but I think you are over the binky now that you’ve figured out the finder thing. You are the still the sweetest little lovey baby ever and you still (thank god) love to cuddle and be close to us. When you are tired, you are starting to rub your face and if we are holding you, you smoosh and rub your lil face against us. This is great, unless you’ve been drooling like crazy and wipe it all over us. But I’ll definitely take drool over you puking down my cleavage any day of the week (which you’ve managed to do twice in the last week.)

You are wrapping up your first little cold and not one person warned me how hard it would be on ME. Listening to you cough, sneeze and wheeze has been hell and I’ve spent the last two weeks sucking boogers out, wiping your nose, giving you saline drops, making sure your humidifier is filled and giving lots of snuggles & kisses. You alternate between cracking up at the booger sucker o’death and or screaming like I am killing you. If I make it a big joke, you seem to not mind it so much…but if not, oh boy. You arch that back and SCREAM and then you stick that bottom lip out in the cutest pout I have EVER seen and I die right there. Seriously kid, I can’t handle the cute sometimes. It is just too much.

Harper, Mama has been struggling a lot lately with some pretty major postpartum anxiety and OCD. I want you to know that if you ever look back to read this: it is not your fault, not at all. Mama had a wee bit of an obsessive personality before and since you’ve been here it has morphed into something bigger than what I could handle. I am terrified of something happening to you and the fear, anxiety and obsessive compulsions have taken over my life. It is weird to think that I have never been so alive and yet, so on the verge of collapse as I have been in the last few months. I knew that I wasn’t being the best mama that I could be for you. I know that my anxiety was holding us back from so much and if I didn’t fix it now, I’d only get much much worse and that would only hurt you in the long run. I saw our wonderful OB on Monday and as soon as she walked in the room, I burst into tears. I haven’t been able to accurately express how I was feeling to your dad or my friends…but the second she walked in, everything came flooding out of me and we sat there and talked for an hour about how to fix this. It has just been a few days of medications and Mama is already feeling so much better. I’m starting to sleep at night, instead of lying there worrying & obsessing that I’d miss something if I fell asleep. I can get through the day without having a panic attack that I can’t be with you all the time (even though you are SO SO happy at daycare and just love Miss Angie & Miss Deborah) and I’m not sitting in the laundry room at 3am, crying over how exhausted I am that my four month old can sleep through the night but I can’t seem too. I really didn’t want to get back on medication, but I can’t deny that it is helping me so much & that only makes me a better Mama for you.

It is amazing to me that I have any room left inside of me to love you as much as I do, baby girl. It seems to grow bigger every day and I’m sure one day I’ll explode into a million kittens, hearts & rainbows. I thought I understood love before you were in my life and now, I really know what love is. You are the best thing to happen to me kiddo. I love you to the moon & back.

Love,

Mama

wordless wednesday :: eh?

2011-02-09T11:07:00.002-06:00

wordless wednesday: my best girl

2011-02-02T20:25:00.000-06:00

oh, hey strangers.

2011-01-18T00:09:00.001-06:00

I promise promise I am still alive.

I know my blogging had slacked off big time but holy shit balls, I haven't been around here since NOVEMBER!? Eeeps. I am sorry friends! There's just been so much going on that I am like, woah, where did the time go?!

We've had:

-one girls first turkey day.
-her first christmas
-having my ma live with us part time to help take care of harp
-me having some postpartum issues & getting back on medication (I figured this would happen, but still--a letdown.)
-the harpzilla turning three.months.old (what!?)

-visits to the ER for the mister

-surgery for the mister upcoming shortly

-visits to the ER for me
-emergency gallbladder surgery (I checked in at 2am. In a room by 5am, surgery at noon. It was crazy)
-meeting our medical deductible by January 15th, go us!
-harper starting her first day of big girl day care
-not crying like a little bitch when I left her (go me!)

so to apologize, here is a cute picture of my kid to distract you from my absence!

I promise promise I'll be better soon!

xoxoox

I'll tell you one thing, it's so much better when we're together.

2010-11-28T08:12:00.000-06:00

Dear Harper,

Tomorrow, you are 8 weeks old. The last few weeks have absolutely flown by and on Monday, I return to work. This makes me very very sad and I really don't want to go back. Spending every day with you has been one of the best experiences of my life. It has tested me, challenged me, enlightened me, filled me with so much love, exhaustion and poop I don't even know how to explain it. You've opened up my locked down heart to a new kind of love that I didn't know was possible.

You are all about sleeping on my chest. It is your fave place to be and if we put you there, you sack out for hours at a time. The best part of this is when you wiggle in your sleep and burrow your head as deep into my neck as you can go. You'll yawn loudly and then wiggle up to snuggle as close as possible. We spend hours like this, resting and reading, listening to music or just watching tv. I think if you could crawl back inside me, or inside my shirt, you totally would. It is the best feeling in the world.

This white blankey I picked up for you when we first found out you were a girl. It is your favorite blanket and if you are fussy or overly tired, we'll wrap you in this and you'll instantly relax. We almost lost this blanket a few weeks ago, but thankfully, your Daddy was able to save it from the parking lot of Houlihans.

Oh, Harper. My Harper. You break my heart a million times a day with your sweet sighs and smiles. I wish I could spend everyday with you on my chest, watching you smile in your sleep.

I wish I could put a pause button on today because this idea of leaving you? It is breaking my whole damn heart.

Love,

Mama

wordless wednesday...just look at you girl

2010-11-24T16:03:00.001-06:00

my heart is bursting in your perfect eyes.

2010-11-21T18:45:00.000-06:00

love muffin.

2010-10-24T14:54:00.002-05:00

sleepy sleepy.

2010-10-24T10:58:00.002-05:00

Two Weeks Ago...

2010-10-18T16:48:00.000-05:00

Happy Two Weeks, Baby Girl.

But tell me now, where was my fault... in loving you with my whole heart.

2010-10-16T12:55:00.000-05:00

I've been a mom now for 12 days. It seems like such a short time, but really, it feels like it is flying by. Harper is already changing so much from when she was fresh from the oven brand new and it is scary. I feel like I don't have enough time with her and I'm literally with her all day, everyday. We are quickly figuring each other out and I have to admit, she is making it really easy on us. Way more than I expected as I went into this motherhood thing thinking it'd be awful. She is getting quite the personality and you can definitely tell that she is our daughter. It is so surreal to see so much of Brad and I in her...actually, it's quite shocking to me.

Yesterday afternoon, we were all piled in the bed, taking a nap together... I woke up to feed Harper and as we were finishing, Brad sighed, yawned and made stretching noise and went back to sleep. Not two minutes later, Harper did the exact same thing. I sat there, with my mouth hanging open and it hit me: this is our kid. Before, it still felt like we were babysitting someone else's kid...but it hit home that she is undoubtedly ours. She has Brads yawns, hiccups, ears and his lips. She has my chunky cheeks, chill personality, crooked smile and wonky pinky toe. She loves to listen Johnny Cash, Mumford & Sons, Snow Patrol, and Death Cab for Cutie. She gets MAD if she is cold and loves to be swaddled super tight, like a baby burrito. She'll sleep on our chest for hours, making it impossible to get anything done because it is too sweet to walk away from. She doesn't mind Molly's barks, but smiles a big cheesy grin when Molly sniffs her ears or gives her kisses. She is starting to smile if you give her a million kisses on her super ticklish neck. She gets super excited for a bottle and will snarf/pant when it gets near her...She loves to eat and her milk drunk sloppiness after a bottle is my fave part of the day. She is a ridiculously happy baby and we are so so happy to have her in our lives.

this.

2010-10-15T04:19:00.000-05:00

this.

this is love.

this is my whole heart, bursting.

Things I'm loving...

2010-10-13T15:33:00.000-05:00

This ridiculously adorable photo of my daughter. Go ahead and try to not die from the cuteness.
The fact that my boobs are back to normal. Things were a little scary there for a few days.
That I can poop again. Holy Jesus, the first post pregnancy poo was traumatizing. I may never recover. Can you have PTSD from poop?
The weather in Kansas City is absolutely perfect. So gorgeous and sunshine-y!
Molly seems to be finally adjusting to Harper & not barking at every.single.noise. she makes.
We may get to hit the Red Barn Farm this weekend if I'm feeling ok & it's not too chilly for the Harps.
Harp's first Pedi appointment went great & they told us we were doing perfect with her--this makes us feel so much better about this parenting thing.
I was able to nap on my back today--so hopefully I can stop sleeping in the recliner and snuggle my husband in our bed.
The way Harper smiles & instantly relaxes when we listen to Mumford & Sons Sigh No More album.
Our friends just told us they are expecting their first hippy babeh in June! YAY for more babehs! Just not from my belly :)

So what are you loving today?

One Week...

2010-10-11T08:26:00.004-05:00

Today, Harper is one week old.

We survived a week together. That blows my mind. This little muffin o' love slid so seamlessly into our lives, it seems almost as if she's been here forever. There was no major shift, no horrible experiences thus far, and we managed to not kill her--or at least break anything vital.

Motherhood has come completely natural to me. I feel so at ease being this little ones mom, I almost wonder why I didn't do it sooner. But then, if we had, we wouldn't have been the same people and we wouldn't have had our little Harp. This child makes my heart feel like it is going to explode at least 2.1 million times a day. The way she smiles and laughs in her sleep, the way she falls asleep on my chest after a bottle and the way she snuggles up to Brads chest when she's cold...I could go on and on about this baby...but the point is, we are so stupid in love with this child.

Speaking of Brad, seeing him with Harper staggers me. He is so good with her and is handling everything so well. He is 110% involved in everything and we figured out that we make a fantastic team. He trades off on all the feedings, the diaper changes and snuggles. I love the way he talks her through her diaper changes and even if she is a little fussy (which is so rare, seriously this kid is awesome), he just talks her through it, holds her close and calms her right down. There are times we will look at each other with this big stupid grin on our face and I can tell that we are both thinking, ''man, we fucking rock.''

I really didn't think this is how our first week of parenthood would go. We really went into this thinking that it was going to be worse than some horrific tragedy and we'd walk away shell shocked and dead. Last night, we had our first experience with projectile vomit and it ended up all over Harp & I. I instantly panicked thinking that she was choking to death and I couldn't think. I screamed for Brad and he came running. We went to lay her down to clean her up, she opened her eyes, looked right at us, laughed and passed out. Our daughter is a sorority girl who can't handle hitting the bottle. Awesome.

Sunday Citar...

2010-10-10T07:40:00.001-05:00

“I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That’s the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty… you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.”

- J.D. Salinger

nap time...

2010-10-09T09:59:00.000-05:00

The girls met for the first time last night. It went really well and Molly is adapting rather nicely. She licks her lips like Harper is a treat when she first see's her and then she's all ''oh, it's just that THING again.'' She hasn't tried to eat her and her barks don't seem to bother Harper at all. Thank god. This kid seems to sleep through everything.

Thoughts on Mamahood

2010-10-08T16:26:00.000-05:00

Everyday, all day I email with my two best girls. We chat about everything and today, the topic of discussion was this lil miss and how I feel about mamahood thus far. Tracy asked if I was still for sure that Harper was it for us and this was my reply:

A lot of people were like, once she comes out you'll want another right away and I can tell you that they are absolutely wrong. It feels like she completed us, she just clicked in so naturally we both were like "this is what we were missing." I mean, it is totally terrifying to the two of us but we feel so natural as parents. It wasn't some big horrible thing like we thought it'd be. Granted, I know I'm only a few days in, and I'm going to run into much harder stuff...but being a mom feels like exactly what I was supposed to do. Last night, I calmed her down and was like 'so that's it. That's what I've been looking for all these years.'

Harper is it for me. She is exactly what I've been looking and waiting for.

Yay!

2010-10-07T05:05:00.001-05:00

It is going home day!

Also, this will be Harper's first no pants day at home. She is totes stoked, obvs.

Hello, world...

2010-10-06T04:30:00.001-05:00

Meet Miss Harper Adelyn.

Born via C-Section 10/4/2010 at 2:23pm.

She weighs 7lbs 12oz and is 19 & 1/2" in length.
We are so, so in love with this little one.

Dear Baby...

2010-10-02T10:41:00.000-05:00

Dear Harper,

Today I am 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant with you. I honestly didn't think we'd make it this far in our little bun/oven operation we've had going for the last 10 months. I figured you'd pop early--because you seem SO IMPATIENT but nope, you are in it for the long haul. In fact, we found out at our appointment yesterday that I'm not even dilated yet (barely a 'fingertip' dilated. bah!) and you are all ''nope, thanks. I'm good in here, no need to come out.'' But alas, monster baby (I mean that with love. I am excited you are big and that I could grow you this long...also? I really hope you are a chunky monkey.) you got your eviction notice via our bomb ass OB yesterday. We are checking into the hospital Sunday evening at 7pm to start a ''short induction'' on you. By short induction, we are going to check in for some meds to ''ripen my cervix'' *insert BIG SHUDDER here* and sometime early in the am, they will start me on some Pitocin--if my cervix dilates. They will only let me labor for a max of 8-12 hours because they don't want me to be exhausted when it's time to deliver you. If you aren't making any progress by Monday afternoon, they will give me a c-section Monday evening. Either way, you'll be here Monday night, in our arms and stealing all the attention away from your Uncle TP's birthday.

Everyone is practically SQUEEEEING at the thought of you being here in such a short time. I'm kinda split on the issue. Part of me is squeeeeing because you'll be here! and I'll be done with pregnancy! but the other part of me is terrified of labor and what could happen. Everyone keeps telling me to relax and it'll be fine because women have been delivering baby's for millions of years. But this girl? This girl has never had a baby before and this girl doesn't know what to expect. So please, enough with the "it'll be fine because women have been delivering baby's for millions of years." crap because it only makes me feel more crazy and feel more out of control. I think it finally clicked for your dad last night because he said exactly what I was needing to hear...that it was ok to be scared and that it was ok to worry because it is a big deal. I think he may have said it under a smidge of terror because I was in the middle of an EPIC level meltdown and he was too afraid to make sudden movements or breathe too loud. And because there was a gun in the back seat of the car within arms reach of the crazy preggotron.

This is probably the last ''Dear Baby'' I'll write while I'm pregnant and that gives me a little bit of the sad face. I can't wait to look over these posts and see how I've changed because of you. I can't wait to sit down with you someday and show you how we grew together and read to you my thoughts on becoming a mama. I'm pretty terrified at the thought of leaving the hospital with a baby, so go easy on me. If you do, I'll let your Daddy buy you a shiny fast car for your 16th birthday. If not, we will use the money to pay for your therapy.

Love,

Mama

P.S. We got this email from Baby Center for our 39th week of pregnancy and it made both of us CRACK UP:

How your baby's growing:

Your baby's waiting to greet the world! He continues to build a layer of fat to help control his body temperature after birth, but it's likely he already measures about 20 inches and weighs a bit over 7 pounds, a mini watermelon.

Haha, mini watermelon MY ASS. Your dad said, ''mini watermelon?! NOT OUR BABY.'' :)

Quick Update

2010-09-28T19:36:00.003-05:00

The mister & I went to a growth ultrasound this afternoon to check out what the dealio is with Miss Harper. We found out that she is head down, still a girl (hussy hides her face but not her bits. we are so screwed) and is a big ol' baby. The u/s doctor states that she is in the 90th percentile for her size and that she weighs 8lbs 9oz as of today. They bumped my due date up to this Friday, October 1st. They are sending over a report to our OB and we follow up with them for our appt on Friday. Unless they get the report and decide to go ahead and induce and or schedule a c-section--which they warned me could happen based on her size.

I am feeling rather frazzled & emotional right now...I had a feeling this is how today would go, but now it seems very real to me. I'm obviously a little distracted because I managed to sit my Blackberry down in Target TWICE tonight and walk away from it...which I NEVER do. Oy.

Growing a Human: Week 38

2010-09-25T08:34:00.000-05:00

How far along? 38 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Total of 18lbs this pregnancy--I lost a pound at the last appt and gained it back at this appt.

Stretch marks? Uh, yes. They look like knife wounds. Sexy. << same but no more new ones, whew.

Sleep: I sleep really well for the first few hours, then I wake up to pee and its a lot of tossing and turning after that.

Best moment this week: Finding out that Harper is a gigantor baby. Like, rawrrrr monster baby big.

Movement: She’s very active but out of room. So the movements are freaky looking.

Food cravings: Ice Water. Lots and lots of water. Bagels. Sweets.

Gender: Girl.

Labor Signs: Contractions are coming and going, but no pattern. Everything is still uh, locked down and closed for bizness.

Belly Button in or out? Its a flushie.

What I miss: Being able to jump out of bed and go pee. Going to the bathroom requires a lot of patience these days. First I have to sit up, wait for the dizziness to pass, then slowly swing my legs over the edge--waiting for the blood flow to come back...then slide off the bed (literally, slide. we have the tallest bed, evar) wait to make sure my legs won't collapse then waddle to the bathroom. The slowly ease my ass on to the seat and try not to cry as my hips pop out of socket. Pee for 20 mins, then have to pee again because I've sat there for so long and have dozed off. Try to not collapse when I stand up and realize my legs have fallen asleep. Oy. It is def a process.

What I am looking forward to: Another ultrasound on Tuesday... Since Miss Harper is a gigantor baby, they think she's going to be too big for me to deliver naturally. So we are most likely scheduling a c-section for somewhere around the start of my 39th week of pregnancy--any where from October 1st-8th.

Weekly Wisdom: If I don't answer my phone, texts, or emails right away it does NOT mean I'm dead and or in labor. It means I'm asleep so leave me alone for a while. I have a baby coming in a week or so, I need all the rest I can get. Or it means I don't want to answer your ''are you in labor yet'' question for the 47th time that day.

Names: Harper Ann or Harper Anabelle

Random Stats: Harper is head down and measuring at 38 weeks. Heartbeat is good and she’s fiesty as ever.

Dear Baby...

2010-09-20T15:44:00.005-05:00

Dear Harper,

Today, I am 37 weeks & 3 days pregnant with you. We are anxiously awaiting your arrival...maybe me more than your dad...But your dad doesn't have you sitting on his tailbone, stabbing the shit out of his back and punching his bladder. So he's feeling a little more kittens & rainbows about the last few weeks of pregnancy than mama is. It's nothing against you, you are just doing what you are supposed too because you are out of room in my belly.

According to BabyCenters 37 Week Update, this is what is going on with you:

Your baby weighs 6 1/3 pounds and measures a bit over 19 inches, head to heel (like a stalk of Swiss chard). Many babies have a full head of hair at birth, with locks from 1/2 inch to 1 1/2 inches long. But don't be surprised if your baby's hair isn't the same color as yours. Dark-haired couples are sometimes thrown for a loop when their children come out as blonds or redheads, and fair-haired couples have been surprised by Elvis look-alikes. It may be harder than ever to get comfortable enough to sleep well at night. If you can, take it easy through the day — this may be your last chance to do so for quite a while. Keep monitoring your baby's movements, too, and let your caregiver know immediately if you notice a decrease. Though her quarters are getting cozy, she should still be as active as before. While you're sleeping, you're likely to have some intense dreams. Anxiety both about labor and about becoming a parent can fuel a lot of strange flights of unconscious fancy.

I have started having odd dreams lately, they paused for a while--but they are back big time. I couldn't even tell you what is happening in them--I'm up and down so often during the evening that they start and stop all throughout the night. Speaking of up and down all night, every time I stand up to pee, I follow the rules, standing up slowly so I won't pass out...but mainly, I'm waiting for my water to break. Or if I wake up I always lay still until I'm sure it didn't happen in the bed. But alas, nothing yet. However, the other night... I lost some uh, ''stuff'' and made your dad look. Best wife ever? Yep. That'd be me. :)

I'm having some labor signs still, strong random contractions that take my breath away. I was telling Brad the other day I'm so ready to go into labor but when stuff starts to happen, I'm instantly terrified and wonder if I'm going to be able to make it through labor. I also have a feeling that once labor starts, I'm going to be a puker. I get crazy nauseous when I'm in pain--so this could be an interesting experience.

Your ''mema'' (my mom) has a feeling that you will be here within a week. I mentioned this to my sister and she suggested we start a list of everyones guesses...So far, we have:

Me: September 25th
Brad: September 29th
Marissa: September 28th
Tracy: September 22nd
CJ: September 26th
Jen: September 27th
Trey: October 1st
Mom: September 23rd
Michael: October 15th (yeeesh)

So hurry up baby! Everyones excited to meet you!

Love, Mama

Wordless Wednesday...The Mister & Me

2010-09-15T17:37:00.001-05:00

Dear Baby...

2010-09-11T09:07:00.004-05:00

Dear Harper,

Today, I am 36 weeks pregnant with you. According to babycenter, you look like this:

As of our last OB appointment yesterday, you are measuring right on target at 36 weeks. You are officially out of room in my belly and your movements have gotten GIGANTIC. It is so funny to walk through a restaurant or the store and watch peoples reaction to my belly. Few get a dopey grin and most get a completely horrified look on their face. It is getting really hard to breathe, sleep, eat, get comfortable and generally exist. You've completely taken over my body and its official: I'm done with pregnancy.

On one hand, I can't wait to meet you. I'm so excited at the thought of finally seeing you face to face that I keep imagining what my reaction will be. I wonder what color your eyes are...if you got my green eyes or your dads dark chocolate eyes. I wonder if you'll have a full head of hair like the 4D sonogram lady said you did. I wonder if you'll have your dads full lips or my ginormous eyebrows. On the other hand, I'm really enjoying the last few weeks of alone time with your dad and Molly. Even though 99.9% of our conversations revolve around you and what we expect life to be like after you get here.

There are somedays that Molly and I will grab a stack of pillows and go lay in your nursery for our daily nap. I'll look around the happy room we created for you and try to imagine you here. I'll open your drawers of tiny clothes and run my hands over the different fabrics and imagine the photos your dad will take of you. It almost feels like we are waiting for our lives to just START for goodness sake!

Everyone is anxiously awaiting your arrival. Phones are staying fully charged, cameras are ready, the bags are packed by the front door and all I need to do is have your car seat installed. Whenever you come in the next four weeks, I'm sure it'll be perfect.

Love, Mama

ba dump!

2010-09-09T11:10:00.002-05:00

the bump is very handy these days.
it holds small dogs, ice cream bowls, books, water with my handy bendy straws, and my blackberry.
miss harper isn't too keen on having her space invaded and will kick away anything that is placed there.
the best part of the bump being so big?
watching the misters reactions to her kicks.
the slightly horrified/excited looks that flash across his face are absolutely priceless.

random wednesday thoughts.

2010-09-01T19:56:00.002-05:00

i just woke up from a nap...feeling like i'd been hit by a mack truck. boooo. i'm running a low grade fever, sneezing like crazy, have an achy ear, a tight chest, the snots, and a sore throat. i spoke with my ob and he said that i just need to rest and drink lots of fluids because there's nothing really they can do for me. lamesauce.

the mister is also sick. but that asshole can take drugs, so he gets no sympathy! kidding. sorta.

i am slowing recovering from the girls epic visit to kc. i am also finding shower glitter all. over. my. house. but, i was still finding it from marissa's 21st birthday celebration from OCTOBER, so it's not too shocking.

how is it september already? you guys. i could have my baby this month. that is impossible to think about.

i just updated my facebook status to say that i was sick and whiny. someone ''liked'' it. thanks, asshole.

i'm in nesting mode. all of harper's laundry is washed, folded, and put away in a slightly (majorly) obsessive fashion. the drawers are also lined with contact paper and i realize it may not last, but it makes me feel much better right now.

i've been heaping attention on this beast, who is returning the favor by following me everywhere i go, growling when people get to close to me, snuggling on my chest, and generally being the best little buddy ever.

i'm obsessing about bringing harper home from the hospital. i'm worried about odd things like, how often we change a diaper (p.s. how does one even change a diaper? i've never done it before), when do we feed her, how much do we feed her, how do we keep from completely screwing this up, etc etc. the nesting is helping a ton, it is making me feel more in control of a situation i have NO control over. her pack & play is set up, loaded with diapers, butt cream, powder etc...(it has a fancy changing station attached to it) that's where she'll sleep for the first few weeks then she'll head back to the nursery. the clothes are washed and put away. the hospital bag is packed for me and the babeh. the diaper bag is ready to go (thank you, google for telling me what to put in it.) and brads cell phone is loaded up with important peoples phone numbers.

i know the root of my anxiety is stemming from the issues with my mom. which is *really* going to piss brad off when he reads this. but there are certain times when a girl just wants HER MOM to be there for her and i know that she can't be in the way that i need her to be. i know it's dumb, but i really thought things would be different since it is her first grandbaby. but she wouldn't be my mom if she couldn't find ways to try to ruin it, right? i know in my head and in my heart that i have a spectacular support system. i have a partner who is 130% percent involved in everything related to this baby. he wakes up with me when i can't sleep, brings me taco bell when i need it, gets out of bed to get the dog bone when i'm too sore and tired to move, comes to the appointments, gets me gallons of water, and is so head over heels in love with our daughter already. i have friends that i can call, text, or email at all hours of the day who would do anything to help me out. i have a sister who i can say the weirdest random things too and she'll always laugh and never judge. i have a fantastic mother in law who will be the grandma that harper needs in her life and i have a dad and father in law who are already big mushes of goo over this baby.

woah. so this post just took a turn for the heavy. but hey, i totally just saved myself a $100 co-pay for the therapist which is a definite win. especially since i'm going to be spending a shitfuck load of money in the next few weeks. babeh's be expensive, ya'll.

Photo Bomb: Baby Shower Edition

2010-08-31T11:34:00.003-05:00

gratuitious prom pose! but I loveee this dress. thank you, target.

gorg corsage from the sistah.

all of my girls and a monster. left to right: julian, tracy, jen, me, the sistah, and ~~bad dog~~ miss molly. I can't tell you how much this weekend meant to me. these girls are seriously the best people in the world and they completely showered us with love and some of the most adorable gifts I've ever seen.

the monster.

the shower was a milk and cookies theme! it was sooo fun and so fattening!

cookie favors for the guests :)

we skipped the games for a bib decorating station. Miss Harper got some seriously adorable bibs to rock once she gets here!

I didn't realize until after the shower that Brad had made Harper a bib. Kill me with the cuteness. Seriously.

Adorable changing table from my parents :)

Some cupcake treats for Miss Harper. These killed me.

This was my rocker when I was a wee one. My parents refinished it for Miss Harper. I love that there are 'vintage' pieces in her nursery.

Oh yeah. I was a stylish kiddo.

You can view the full photo set of the shower on Brad Trump Photography's flickr set.

Wordless Wednesday: Harper's Nursery

2010-08-25T07:58:00.000-05:00

Dear Baby...

2010-08-21T14:41:00.003-05:00

Dear Harper,

Today, I am 33 weeks and 1 day pregnant with you. According to Baby Center, you currently look like this:

But actually, you look more like this:

Blergh. The grandmothers wanted to check out a sonogram with us, so we decided to schedule a 4D ultrasound for our families. Both sets of grandparents were there along with your Aunt Marissa. It was so weird seeing you in 4D and even though we shelled out the money for this, I still think it is incredibly creepy. Sorry, kid. I think you have your Dads lips and he thinks you have my nose. It'll be interesting to compare you to this photo when you finally get here in 7 short weeks.

In the next few days, your two aunties from other sides of the states will be here to visit. Jen and Tracy are flying in from the west & east coasts to spend a long weekend with us and attend your second baby shower. I have so! much! to! do! before they get here, but I'm super excited. Tomorrow, your dad & I plan to finish your nursery and get the room ready so everyone can see it next weekend. We are pretty stoked to see it all come together and get your piles of stuff situated in one location. It is so weird to see your stuff all over the house and putting away some of the bottles we received yesterday at my work shower was enough to send me into a panic attack. In just a few weeks, you'll be here and our life will change forever. I am more panicked and Brad is more calm as each day passes. I keep looking at your clothes thinking two thoughts: 1. "It is impossible for you to be *this* tiny when you come." and 2. "WHO THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO GIVE ME A BABY?!" I apologize for screaming, but really. I have no idea what to do with you and or how to be a mother. Oy.

In other news, I am currently out of work on Short Term Disability due to my job requirements. So far, I've been home a week and between us girls, I really enjoy it. I'm nesting, baking, and cooking everyday. Plus, I'm resting and getting to enjoy some time with Molly before you get here. It has been so nice to not be constantly exhausted and cranky all day. I think your Dad enjoys it too, because I've been cooking some pretty awesome meals if I do say so myself :)

In the last few weeks, I've discovered that the third trimester is incredibly similar to the first trimester. Food is kind of hit and miss again...the headaches are back...and I'm sore all.the.time. Also? I am pretty sure you are trying to split my chucky in half and I keep having dreams of you punching a fist out at any given time. Your movements are much more deliberate these days and when you get the hiccups, my whole belly shakes. You currently crave potatoes--in any variety, tomatoes, ice water, chocolate (which gives me the worst heartburn, ever), plums, and guacamole.

Love,

Mama

Wordless Wednesday: Maternity Photo Edition

2010-08-18T18:33:00.003-05:00

{photos courtesy of brad trump photography}

In which I have a meltdown & the interwebz saves the day.

2010-08-07T19:37:00.004-05:00

Today started out like any other normal Saturday... I laid in bed, being lazy, getting attacked by Molly and scrolling the interwebz on my phone--seeing what I'd missed by crawling into bed at 830pm. Oh yeah, I'm totally wild these days. So after I stumbled down stairs, grunted in the general direction of Brad, I sat down at my laptop and noticed the date today. August 7th! 13 days away from my first baby shower.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I was so excited, I immediately logged on to check to see if we had everything on there like I wanted to and decided to search by ''In-Store Items Only'' on our Target Registry. Cue the scary music,*duh! duh! duhhhh!*

oh no.

I had 10 items available for in store purchase... The rest was for online stuff only. Instant panic occurs as I realize that 80% of the people coming to my showers in the next few weeks only shop in stores. They still don't trust internet shopping, which is totally fine. I'm not sure B's grandma would know where to swipe her credit card on her computer. Wait. I don't know if they even have a computer? This is 2010! We have SIX COMPUTERS, for two people!

Anyway. Yeah. Instant panic.

So I toss on some clothes, rush to the Target (with the Starbucks, duhsies!) grab an iced latte (don't tell Brad. we are supposed to be "saving money" because he thinks ''someone'' is going to go crazy shopping for Harper soon. And by someone he means me. And he is totally right) and a scanny gun and get to work. Brad had to work, so he missed out on the fun. Which is ok, because whenever we register, he's totally a scanny gun hog. I was drunk on power with the scanny gun! I never get it!

I didn't know where to start!

I decided to start first in the clothes...sipping my delicious latte, scanning the adorableness that they were offering for girl clothes. I couldn't believe how cute things were! I started to pile stuff in the cart when I realized that shopping was not my mission today. I reluctantly put the stuff back and got to work on the scanning. And then it happened. I turned the corner into the diaper section and had a meltdown.

OH. MY. GOD.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY VARIETIES OF DIAPERS THERE ARE?!

I immediately message Brad, ''holy shit. we are so fucked. have no idea what i'm doing!''

Then I took to Twitter and holy crap, the ladies saved the day! Seriously. I posted simple messages like ''ok, and which variety of diapers?" "pacifiers?" etc and dude. The interwebz rock. my. socks. off. My twitter stream blew up with awesome suggestions from moms and it made everything so much easier on me. I started going scanning gun crazy and bam! An hour later, the registry is done and I am no longer freaking out.

You girls seriously are awesome and Brad & I *so* appreciate it all the help you've offered up!

Love,

Jess

Growing a Human Weekly Update: 30 weeks

2010-07-30T10:48:00.003-05:00

How far along? 30 weeks.

Total weight gain/loss: Total of 14lbs this pregnancy.

Stretch marks? Let’s just say, I’m one gun shot wound away from being *that* stripper you never want to see. Not that I am a stripper, but yeah, the belly isn’t pretty.

Sleep: Still Meh. My legs are restless all. the. time. and I can't seem to get comfortable.

Best moment this week: Finding out that Harper is staying in my belly where she is supposed to be for another 9-10 weeks. A little preterm labor scare on Tuesday sent us to Labor & Delivery for monitoring. But all is well with both of us, so it was a good day.

Movement: Oh yeah, this kid is totally a ninja.

Food cravings: Hmm, the last week, I've kinda felt meh about food... Almost like the 1st trimester again but I did start craving guacamole 24/7.

Gender: Still a girl.

Labor Signs: I am Braxton Hicks-ing and well, those fucking suck.

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: Wondering what sciatic nerve pain was really like.

What I am looking forward to: Finishing up the nursery. We got some stuff picked out for her room. We just need to paint the trim, clean up the room from the remodel and assemble her crib!

Weekly Wisdom: Fuck Missouri in the summer, ya’ll.

Names we are loving: Harper. Still stuck on the middle names. Ann, Anabelle, Adelyn.. Any A name suggestions?

Milestones: Scheduled a creepy 4D Ultrasound at the request of the Grandmas. Not really looking forward to it, these things creep me out.

Random Stats: Harper is measuring BIG and about 2 weeks ahead of schedule. They are predicting that since both B-rad & I were BIG babies (like almost 10lbs a pop), she is going to be a BIG baby. Oy. The doc I saw last week said that we will do another U/S around 35 weeks to see how big she is and determine my due date from there. Also, they want to check to see if she's still breech or if she flipped.

be our decision master!

2010-07-24T09:11:00.005-05:00

dear bloggy friends,

we need your help. brad & I tend to be a wee bit indecisive when it comes to making decisions about miss harper's room. so I've decided to bring our top 5 choices to you and let you help us make the final decision. I don't have any prizes to offer up other than the fact that you will be instrumental in saving our marriage because the mister can't make a decision to save his life. in this case, that's a big prize because if I go to prison, you won't have any more nerdy jess. which would suck. so help us decide! pick your fave and leave me a comment.

oh and miss harper's nursery is a pale pink w/honey colored furniture. her theme is ''woodland creatures'' and is a mix of pink, chocolate brown, pale blue, white, yellow & green. i'll work with the seller to pick the best colors of these to match her room so the pinks don't fade into each other. here is a photo of what we have so far:

and the decal choices:

{via etsy seller: nou wall}

{via etsy seller: simple shapes}

{via etsy seller: urban walls}

{via etsy seller: single stone studios}

Random Friday Thoughts...

2010-07-23T09:11:00.002-05:00

Today I am 29 weeks pregnant and by the picture, I have officially entered the ''whoa, belly!'' stage of pregnancy. Miss Harper is growing bigger everyday and so is my belly, oy. I've discovered that the third trimester sucks and I'm pretty sure I'll never be comfortable again.

I've gotten more stretch marks in the last two weeks than I have in my whole pregnancy and the ones around my belly button look like straight up knife wounds. I am so glad I was never a bikini person before. Also? There will be no naked belly shots of this girl, my husband has some mad skillz, but there is NO amount of photoshop that will fix this mess.

Speaking of maternity photos, the husband and I will be meandering around downtown KC this weekend to snap up some fully clothed photos of us and the bump. I'm excited to see how they turn out!

Oh, the mister got a job around two weeks ago! He is pretty excited about it and is really digging it so far. This is our first Friday with both of us being paid in about three months...I'm so excited I could pee myself. Which, hey, being 7 months pregnant could happen anyway.

I am one month and a few days away from my two best girls coming to visit. I literally can't wait for this visit, it'll be such a great weekend. The girls surprised me and decided to come back for the baby shower for Miss Harper. Poor Brad will be completely overtaken by women for the weekend. Luckily, Tracy is bringing Julian, so he won't be the only male in a house full of females :)

The sister is hosting my fantabulous shower that is going to be so much fun. We picked a ''Milk & Cookies'' theme and we are skipping the lame games in favor of stuffing our faces with cookies laced with so much butter, my ass is expanding just thinking of it.

And that's pretty much all I've got to offer up today. It's Friday and I'm fried and so ready for the weekend to start. The mister and I celebrate five years together tomorrow and I'm off to the salon for some major maintenance work on myself. Praise jesus, these roots are aw.ful.

Growing a Human: Weekly Update

2010-07-16T06:04:00.001-05:00

How far along? 28 weeks, hello third trimester.

Total weight gain/loss: 3lbs since last month.

Stretch marks? Let’s just say, I’m one gun shot wound away from being *that* stripper you never want to see. Not that I am a stripper, but yeah, the belly isn’t pretty.

Sleep: Meh. Once I stop whining about not being comfortable, I am pretty much guaranteed to sleep the whole night through…Unless I have water after 8pm, then I totally drunk girl pee on the toilet. You know, where you have to lean your head against the wall to support yourself then end up passing out on the toilet? Ah, memories.

Best moment this week: Finding out that I most likely will NOT have to have a c-section.

Movement: Oh yeah, this kid is totally a ninja.

Food cravings: Ice cream. Tater tots w/lawry’s season salt on them. Baked potatoes. Hashbrowns. I can’t stop thinking about potatoes.

Gender: Still a girl.

Labor Signs: I am Braxton Hicks-ing and well, those fucking suck.

Belly Button in or out? In. Thank God. I was the only woman in the waiting room at St. Lukes Perinatal Clinic yesterday that still had an innie. It took all I had to not poke them back in.

What I miss: Being able to walk up without hunching over like an old man.

What I am looking forward to: A really big cocktail.

Weekly Wisdom: Fuck Missouri in the summer, ya’ll.

Names we are loving: Harper. Someone changed his mind on her middle name…So we can’t decide between Harper Ann (my middle name) or Harper Anabelle

Milestones: Seeing Miss Harper on the sono yesterday. She’s HUGE compared to my 20 week ultrasound. If you want to see her, you can click here to see her sono photo.

Random Stats: She is 2lbs, 10oz. Most def still a girl, as of my sonogram yesterday, she was in the breech position--which explains why I can't breathe and my vagaloo keeps getting kicked. The whole sonogram she had her hands on her feet and was flipping/kicking around. Apparently, I have a LOT of fluid in my belly because the tech goes ''OH. My. There is a lot of fluid in there.'' Also, I'm officially in my 3rd trimester today (I've officially bumped up to the every two week appointments), but according to the tech & my doctor, I'm measuring a full week ahead of schedule, so they are bumping my due date up to Septemeber 30 or October 1 from October 8th. Once they get the full sono report back, we'll have a better idea. I also had my glucose test yesterday (didn't puke, yay!) and my Rhogam shot because I'm Rh-. So two needle pokes, one in my left hand and one in my ass. I was not pleased.

Dear Baby: Month 7

2010-07-09T13:03:00.006-05:00

Dear Harper,

Today I am 27 weeks pregnant with you, which starts my 7th month of pregnancy. It seems the interwebz is split in half in whether the 27th week or the 28th week offiicially starts my third trimester. Either way, I can't believe we've made it to 7 months together and we are just 91 days (!!!) away from your official due date. Which, excuse my language, but holy fucking shit. I have no idea where the time has gone and it seems like now that we are under a 100 days, it is just zooming by.

You are getting bigger everyday and kicking harder, every day. According to Baby Center, this is what 27 weeks looks like and what you are doing:

How your baby's growing: This week, your baby weighs almost 2 pounds (like a head of cauliflower) and is about 14 1/2 inches long with her legs extended. She's sleeping and waking at regular intervals, opening and closing her eyes, and perhaps even sucking her fingers. With more brain tissue developing, your baby's brain is very active now. While her lungs are still immature, they would be capable of functioning — with a lot of medical help — if she were to be born now. Chalk up any tiny rhythmic movements you may be feeling to a case of baby hiccups, which may be common from now on.

We are just six days away from seeing you again, as Dr. Awesome has ordered another follow up ultrasound to determine whether or not I'll need a c-section because my placenta is being an asshole. I think the last doctor we saw was just a little ''cut-happy'' because she's a surgeon and basically offered it up as our only option. However, last month, we got Dr. Awesome in our rotation and he didn't think it'd be 100% positive and decided to do another u/s to check. That's fine with us, he's an awesome doctor and just wants to be sure everythings right and bonus! we get to see you again. The same day, we have our 7th month appointment and the dreaded glucose test. Woooof, I am not looking forward to that one, not one bit. Thankfully, it is the hour test and I've already had one at the start of pregnancy, so I know what to expect.

After this appointment, we bump up to seeing the doctor every two weeks. It's getting so close, Harper and I have to admit, it is scaring the bejesus out of me. Last night, during dinner, your dad and I looked at each other with the same terrified look in our eyes as we talked about finalizing the baby registry and I have to admit, a big part of me wanted to pack a bag and make a run for it. Which is silly, because you are inside me, so I wouldn't really be escaping but that fight or flight instinct took over and a few seconds later I calmed right down. During dinner, your dad and I had a long talk about his employment situation and whether or not he should be a stay at home daddy. I think it is a fantastic idea and one that I 100% fully support...I think he would be amazing at that job and it would benefit you both in so many ways.

It is so awesome to me that you aren't even here yet and you already have your dad wrapped around your little finger. He has been hard at work while I am at work remodeling your nursery. All thats left is to paint, hang some adorable wallpaper border we found, and assemble your crib. Then I get the fun part and get to go in and hang your photos, curtains and decorate with the little stuff I've picked up here and there. Your dad and I are going to take some maternity photos in the next few weeks and I can't wait to see how they turn out.

Love, Mama

Oh right. I forgot about those.

2010-07-06T14:19:00.004-05:00

I have been off my medication for my bipolar disorder for well over a year now. I think it was sometime last year before our miscarriage that I decided I wanted to be off my medications. I honestly felt that they were doing more harm than good and it was the best decision I ever made. However, getting off of my medication was BRUTAL. It was an awful awful process and without Brad by my side, I would have totally caved. My doctor slowly took me down from my Xanax prescription and it was like ripping my insides out with a dull spoon. Xanax is a painfully addictive drug to begin with then factor in someone who has addiction issues and it is pretty much a recipe for disaster. Now that I've been off it, I've noticed a HUGE change in myself. I cycled a lot less frequently and my bipolar levels seemed to smooth out a lot more. It's been ages since I've mixed my meds with wine and thrown something at Brad's head, so getting off the meds was a definite win for both of us.

When I was on the manic swing, I had awful panic attacks. If you haven't ever had a panic attack, consider yourself lucky. I wouldn't wish these on anyone because you truly feel like you are going to die and there is no escaping it. Because of these panic attacks, my doctor kept my prescription of Xanax open and I was given out a small amount of pills each month to combat the panic attacks. When I felt one coming on or once it started, I'd pop a Xanax, give myself a few minutes and they'd for the most part, go away. You can't take things like Xanax or Valium when you are pregnant, so I haven't had a pill since I flew back from California in January. Despite not really enjoying pregnancy, my mood hasn't really changed much. I still get cranky and down, who doesn't? But the difference is, I don't want to drive my car into a bridge pillar because of it. These days, crawling into bed and hiding under the covers makes the blues pass and I feel pretty good.

I hadn't had a panic attack in ages, until this morning. I almost forgot what it was like, to feel like that. It was my first panic attack during pregnancy and it was excruciatingly awful. I honestly thought for the first few minutes, I was having a heart attack or something was wrong with the baby. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop the pain, I couldn't stop shaking or crying or sweating. Finally, it clicked that it was a panic attack and I wasn't dying. If I had been thinking, I may have seen that it was coming. Starting last week, I was feeling agitated, restless, and I was chewing my fingernails off like crazy. I figured it was just pregnancy crankiness, but now I know it wasn't. During the attack, I could feel Harper inside me, moving around freaking out and I kept thinking, ''I'm hurting my baby. I'm supposed to protect her and I'm hurting her'' It tore me apart. So I forced myself to lay there and count to ten, slowly. Each time something would ping in my head that would distract me, I'd start over again. It took me over an hour and a half to calm down, but I did it. Without a pill, without help, I talked myself down from the edge and it felt empowering. Because of my past history with bipolar disorder, addiction issues, and general batshitcraziness, my OB, Brad & I plan to be incredibly pro-active about any signs of Post Partum Depression and my bipolar creeping back in. The upside to not being able to breastfeed is I won't hesitate to put myself back on medication after Harper comes if it's needed. Or get back into therapy. But you can bet, I'm totally back on point. This little attack was definitely a wake up call for this girl and I'm going to be way more pro-active in taking care of myself and Miss Harper.

Ooh...gettin' fancy up in here, ya'll.

2010-07-03T09:37:00.002-05:00

Just a little post to update you on mah updates.

A few weeks ago, I changed the layout. I'm trying to be more blog friendly and grow my blog up a little bit. Rest assured, I will still make fart jokes, cuss, and drunken blog. Obvs, once I pop this baby out. Duhs.

I updated the header, again. Shocker, right? I'm a fickle flighty bitch.

I added an About Me page. Woooh, fancypants.

I added buttons to the top. They work, today anyway. They will lead you to my About Me, twitter, my tumblr blog, Brad's Photography Blog, and the blogger dash-- if you are so inclined. I added the last one for me because with the custom coding, I couldn't go back without actually typing the blogger address in and that is just too much work.

So give me opinions. Do you think the font is too light? Too small? I may take your thoughts into consideration, but probably not because I'm an asshole.

Also, if you have a button for your blog and would like it added to my side bar, let me know and I'll add you.

Smooches.

My letters to So & So...

2010-07-01T13:03:00.003-05:00

I am incredibly frustrated and pissy today. Instead of saying the things I feel like saying and making people cry, I figured I'd take a step back and blog about the annoying bastards instead. Enjoy.

Dear Crazy Pregnant Facebook Stalker,

Look. Just because we are pregnant at the same time does not make me want to be pregnancy buddies. I don't care if you think flowered pregnancy shirts with BIG bows are zomg the most amazing thing! And no, I will never think Pooh is the most amazing nursery decor EVAR. Just because I am 10 weeks ahead of you does not make me an expert on pregnancy. If you have a question, please refer to your doctor or www.hereletmegooglethatforyou.com Also, we will not be trading in my perfectly good 4 door car for a minivan because I'm suddenly squirting a baby out of my hooha. If you want to drive a mini-van, that is good for you. But I will never drive a mini-van. Ever. Oh, and I'm still drinking coffee, eating lunch meat, and taking bubble baths that are no doubt BOILING MY BABY in the womb. Kindly shut the hell up and leave me alone.

****************************************************
Dear Tracy,

Because of you, I can't stop thinking about a Kit-Kat. You are an asshole. Smooches.

P.S. you are not an annoying bastard, but def an asshole. :)

****************************************************

Dear Creepy Belly Rubber,

Touch my belly one more time uninvited. I dare you.

****************************************************

Dear Deadliest Catch,

Your episode on Tuesday night made me sob like a little bitch. Totally not cool.

****************************************************

Dear Tech Support Dude,

If I tell you I am not the person that handles that issue and I have no idea how to fix that issue, please stop asking me questions ABOUT THAT ISSUE.

*****************************************************

Dear Everyone who asks me about the size of my belly,

Yes. There is only one baby in there. Yes. I am almost 7 months pregnant. Yes. I'm aware my belly is big. Thanks for making me feel like a fat ass.

*****************************************************

Dear Everyone that keeps asking me if it sucks being pregnant in the summer,

Yes. By the way, you are a fucking moron.

*****************************************************
Love,

Jess

Sipping on the Crazy.

2010-06-23T13:04:00.000-05:00

I'm reading Tori Spelling's MommyWood currently and I'm surprised to say, it is a rather good book. Ever since I got my hands on a library card last week, I've been devouring ''real mom'' pregnancy and motherhood books instead of the scare the shit out of me pregnancy books. It makes me think about good stuff, unlike the pregnancy books that make me think of my vagina prolapsing. For god sakes, don't Google what that is. I made that mistake and I'm officially off the pregnancy books because of it.

In the beginning chapters of MommyWood, Tori talks about her relationship with her mother and how it has made her question her abilities as a mother. This is something that I constantly think about, not necessarily worry about, mainly just think. I have made no secret on this blog of the fact that my mother is completely bat shit crazy. People always scoff at me when I say my mother is psycho, saying that I'm over exaggerating things. But no really, you guys. Bitch be crazy. Like poison you with rat poison crazy. Ok, maybe I am exaggerating THAT one, but remind me sometime to tell you about the time she dumped 5lbs of sugar in my dads BRAND NEW TRUCK GAS TANK because she was pissed off at him. Or the time she caught a brain tumor and almost couldn't make it to my wedding (which magically cleared up before we were back from our honeymoon). Or more recently, my sister giving her cancer (really. Marissa ''gave'' her cancer) because she got married. I could really go on and on, but that is a whole other blog post in and of itself.

Now, as an adult, I can really laugh at her behavior because it is so obviously fucking ridiculous. But as a child growing up, it really messed with my head. It took me a long time to realize that a mother shouldn't love her child when it is convenient for her. Normal moms do crazy things like, play with her kids, bake, and act silly. They don't lock their kids in their rooms all day (literally. from the outside, so we couldn't come out.) and pop a handful of pills and hope to not wake up. It wasn't just her relationship with us kids, it was her relationship with my dad. She always was jealous of the fact that we could be close to him and while we may have driven him nuts, he never hurt us out of spite and he never ever stopped loving us because we broke a glass or didn't pick up the dog poop. Her jealously caused her to act out and have horrible fights with my dad. Because of these fights it took me a LONG time to realize that throwing things at Brads head is NOT an effective means of communication and it wasn't how normal people had relationships. Luckily, Brad stuck by me and my crazy, and now we have an incredibly strong relationship. Because of our strong relationship and because he doesn't let me sip on the crazy too often, I have normal fears about being a good mom to Miss Harper instead of completely irrational fears.

In this book, Tori listed out some guidelines for having a daughter and I thought it'd be interesting to see what I came up with when I thought about what my list would say. If I ever start to sip on the crazy, ya'll can gut check me and point me back to this list.

1. I will never with hold love from my child out of spite.

2. I will never beat my child.

3. I will never attempt to bond with my child by competing with her.

4. I won't play psychological warfare games with my child.

5. I will always love and support her. Even if she wants to dye her hair purple and cover herself in tattoos. Hell, especially if she wants to do this.

6. I will love her even if she is a Republican, like her daddy.

7. I will always encourage her free spirit and imagination.

8. I will never mock her for being who she is.

9. I will always show her unconditional love.

10. I will never force feed her bologna.

11. Or Hamburger Helper. Woof.

12. I will show her it is ok to have bad days, but the change is within herself...not a handful of pills.

13. I will never let her out of the house dressed like a big ho.

14. I will let her date. When she is 30.

15. I will work my ass off so she can go to college and not have to work. But she better get some bomb ass grades to make up for it.

16. I will give her everything she wants, within reason.

17. I will be at every soccer game, dance recital, and school play.

18. I will show her the world.

19. I will hold her hand through her broken hearts and dry her tears.

20. I will never make her feel like less than.

eleven things.

2010-06-22T01:22:00.002-05:00

1. i can't sleep. well, I could but we had a crazy monday, so i crashed at 730pm from the stress/heat/exhaustion and now at 1230, I find myself awake.

2. molly & i are sitting at the kitchen table, eating lemon bars. no really, she's sitting in the chair next to me patiently waiting for her piece. she is such a kick ass dog.

3. i have bad gas. i blame the two cheeseburgers i ate yesterday. and the baby.

4. it was 102F in the shade today. fuck missouri, ya'll.

5. i have a pimple on my chin that will.not.pop. it is driving me batshit.

6. today marks 10 years since the passing of my best friend, my aunt laura.

7. i need a shower.

8. i had some awesome retail therapy on my lunch break @ target yesterday.

9. i have read six books in the last four days.

10. i love having a library card again.

11. the light in our living room just went off (it's on an automatic timer) and scared the shit out of me.

Happy Fathers Day!

2010-06-20T09:45:00.000-05:00

to the coolest fucking dad, ever.

Dear Baby...

2010-06-18T10:13:00.006-05:00

Dear ~~Baby~~ Harper,

Today I am 24 weeks pregnant with you. According to Baby Center, you look like this:

How your baby's growing: Your baby's growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts him at just over a pound. Since he's almost a foot long (picture an ear of corn), he cuts a pretty lean figure at this point, but his body is filling out proportionally and he'll soon start to plump up. His brain is also growing quickly now, and his taste buds are continuing to develop. His lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory "tree" as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help his air sacs inflate once he hits the outside world. His skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon. In the past few weeks, the top of your uterus has risen above your belly button and is now about the size of a soccer ball.

It's really weird to me that my uterus is the size of a soccer ball because that seems HUGE, but I guess it makes sense. I am actually getting worried at how big my belly is getting. I have 16 weeks to go and I'm already feeling huge.

I've gotten to the point where I can't STAND to have anything across my lower belly. I finally found something that makes me comfortable and its the oddest outfit ever. I wear leggings, rolled down under my belly, a spaghetti strap nightgown, covered by a lightweight waffle sweatshirt. Brad just gives me the side eye as I walk down in it but GAH, you do NOT like having anything across your space.

Speaking of your space, on Sunday, I was laying on the sofa, watching your dad install a new door lock on our front door and you were just kind of fluttering in my belly. Molly jumped up on my chest and you were PISSED because your fluttering went to a full blown kick/punch and you haven't stopped since then. I was all excited because it was a SERIOUS move on your part and I was like omg omg! Brad! and then Molly started freaking out and you were going crazy in there! Before it was hard to distinguish what was a gas bubble and what was you moving around. But yeah, definetely no mistaking it now. You made your presence known so much that there was no doubt your dad felt your kick the other night. He quickly pulled his hand away saying, ''woah, that is weird.'' Try living it, buddy :)

I've officially become a bottomless pit and can not stop eating. I am pretty scared to step on the scale next week at the doctors office, but meh. I don't care that much. I am not really particular on what I consume, but you have seemed to move from cheeseburgers to mexican food. Which, hey, awesome. But yeah, not so awesome for my ass. I can clear a room with my farts and possibly peel the paint off the walls. You are definetely your fathers child because when I consume mexican or junk food, you FREAK OUT. You LOVE some mexican food, you get so amped and excited it is crazy.

112 days to go baby girl. We can't wait to meet you.

Love, Mama

Sunday Citar

2010-06-13T11:03:00.001-05:00

If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family. ~Lawrence Housman

Random Thursday Thoughts.

2010-06-10T14:26:00.003-05:00

We've been all over the place lately and since my pregnancy brain is currently boggling my noggin, I figured I'd just spew some stuff at ya'll. So. Yeah.

Let's see...Over the weekend we attended the Kansas City Zombie Walk for Hunger.

Our friend, Jamie is the organizer for it and it happens twice a year. We were stupid excited to go because it is such a good cause! Plus, you get to see zombies, peoples reaction to zombies, and it's always a good time. This dude:

Shot photos of the event and got featured in a local paper for his kick ass work. Yeah. Pretty proud of that dude for doing the damn thing and following his dreams.
Saturday we hit up the Strawberry Festival in my hometown and did some noming on some delicious strawberry goodness:

It was approximately 933 degrees outside, so we headed to my fave local burger joint and then came home to nap. Saturday night brought some pretty intense storms to the area:

and luckily, it passed over us after a few hours and left some cooler weather. While Brad snapped photos of the crazy storm approaching, I fed Molly flowers:

She popped their heads off, spit them out, and then attacked the stem in my hand. She's a weirdo, ya'll.

B snapped this photo of us and it is quickly becoming a fave of mine:

The last few days have been a blur and on Wednesday, the 9th--we celebrated my 29th birthday. And nope, I don't feel any older. I had a delightful birthday that spanned over a few days, with a massive take over of g-chat status updates, a gajillion birthday wishes, and super cute presents from my two best girls. Last night, we hit up the local mexican cantina for some delicious noms and booze for pretty much everyone but me. But hey, I did get straight rowdy with one whole non-alcoholic strawberry daquiri! I gotta say, it's the first birthday in quite a few years I can remember being sober at. After dinner, we all came back to Casa de Nerdy for some ice cream cake, PRESENTS, and shooting the shit.

(my brother is kind of an asshole.)

(but, he did get me pretty much the best present, ever.)

We wrapped up the night with some freaking awesome ice cream birthday cake from Baskin Robbins and it made for a lovely ending to the festivities.

The weekend is gearing up to be another busy one (tattoo parties {no ink for me *sad face*} and the Scottish Highland Games) I'm not sure I'll ever get started on the nursery. Oy. Maybe Miss Harper will just sleep in a dresser drawer for the first few months? Surely things will calm down before then.

More later.

xoxo

So.

2010-06-03T08:07:00.003-05:00

I really thought this whole pregnancy thing was supposed to be all kittens and rainbows. No one actually told me how hard it would be.

In the beginning, you hear about the swollen feet, the morning sickness, the weight gain, the weird cravings, and the peeing every 2.4 seconds. But no one ever talks about the emotional side of it. When we first announced that I was pregnant, we got slews of comments that said, ''oh, you'll love it! it was the best time of my life!'' and ''oh, it is such wonderful experience.'' And now? Now that I am one day away from starting my 6th month of pregnancy, I can say: pregnancy fucking sucks. This is not fun. This is not the best experience of my life. This is hard. This makes me feel like less of a woman because I don't enjoy it. At all.

This has been pinging around in the back of my head for the last few weeks and I didn't want to talk about it because people are so damn judgey. But I have to talk about it or I may flip my shit on the next person that says, ''Isn't it amazing?!'' I feel like a total asshole for feeling this way but I've tried to be positive about it and enjoy it because there are women who can't get pregnant and would kill to be in this position. I finally sat down yesterday and did some googling to see what I could find out. And you know, the only person I could find that would talk about pregnancy and how it sucked was Dooce. She had a quote on a post that just stuck with me and played in my head all night. She says:

"I do not like being pregnant. I am thankful that I am pregnant, so grateful
and hopeful about the baby, thrilled about what it means for our family, but I
do not enjoy what this does to my body. I cannot relate to women who say that
they love this, that they wish they could be pregnant for years, that they have
never felt more like a woman. I don’t know exactly why, but there are things
about this that make me feel totally disenfranchised."
— Heather Armstrong,
author of Dooce. (Original post here)

Part of me worries that because I do not enjoy being pregnant that I will not enjoy being a mom. I didn't have the best mothering example growing up, so it is really hard for me to think that I may be good at this. Before you roll your eyes that I'm worried I'll be like my mother and treat her kids like shit, I know I won't be. I know I can't do that to people, I don't have it in me. But once you board the crazy train, it's hard to keep all your thoughts from going that way. Maybe I'm just impatient? I am kind of an instant gratification kind of person, and cooking a baby takes a while. I want her here with us right now.

I haven't had a particularly rough pregnancy, so I'm not for sure where all this is coming from. I wasn't horribly sick with morning sickness all the time. I haven't had awful headaches non-stop. Hell, I haven't even gained that much weight, in fact, I'm still ahead with the weight that I've lost! But I gotta say, I feel like a housing unit and I miss being me. I miss being someone who could stay up past 9pm, who could sleep a whole night through without peeing five times a night. I miss being able to come home, crack a bottle of wine and get silly drunk with my husband. I miss wanting sex. I miss sleeping on my right side. I miss being Jess.

So how do you deal with all the changes? I can not possibly be the only woman who has experienced this or felt like this. I've tried to talk to Brad about it, but he can't understand it. He can't be pregnant and he's never had a pregnant wife before, so the poor guy is terrified to suggest the wrong thing. I can sense when I'm starting to act like crazy preggotron because his eyes get real wide, he stops moving and you can literally hear his brain screaming, ''DANGER! DANGER! ALERT! ALERT! DO NOT PISS HER OFF.'' He looks like the poor people in Jurassic Park who encounter the T-Rex and the dudes all, ''don't make any sudden movements or it will eat you.'' Then everyone stands there terrified until the pissed off T-Rex moves on. I've seen that look come across my husbands face and I don't like it. Related: A few weeks ago, he wouldn't stop asking me what was wrong and I wasn't ready to talk about it. I just kept saying, ''nothing. I'm fine.'' in that slightly pissed off, clenched teeth kind of way. So he asked AGAIN and I swear to god internets, I said, ''If you ask me that fucking question one more fucking time, I will punch you in the fucking face.'' Then I slammed my laptop and stomped off upstairs. And the poor guy. Gah, he had no idea what to do or how to react. I crawled into bed, pulled the covers over my head and we never spoke of it again.

So dear friends, please validate me and tell me that I'm not the only one who has felt like this before. Or experience the wrath of Preggotron! Kidding. Sort of.

Love,

Jess

Dear Baby...

2010-05-26T10:13:00.005-05:00

Dear Baby,

Today I am 20 weeks & 5 days pregnant with you. According to Baby Center, this is whats new with you:

How your baby's growing: Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long — the length of a carrot. You may soon feel like she's practicing martial arts as her initial fluttering movements turn into full-fledged kicks and nudges. You may also discover a pattern to her activity as you get to know her better. In other developments, your baby's eyebrows and lids are present now, and if you're having a girl, her vagina has begun to form as well.

I would agree with that completely. You are definetely getting your kung foo on inside me. Earlier this week, after a pepsi (I know, I know. Judge away. But I've switched to caffiene free), you were jumping around in there like crazy. I bbm'd your auntie Tracy and told her that you were doing some kung foo fighting in my belly! It's awesome to feel, until you kick my bladder when I have to pee and then that shit is not cool anymore. I don't feel you as much during the day, but you love to move at night when we are finally sitting down to relax. If I mention it to Brad, he's started to jump up to feel my belly even though its too soon to tell whats going on. He's anxious for the kicks outside the belly to start, but feel free to take your time on showing us that trick.

After finding out you were a girl last week, I decided that your bedding & nursery should refect you a bit more. After the craziness of your Aunt Marissa's wedding calmed down, I hit Target and picked up this stuffs for your room:

I was scared it wouldn't pass your dad's 'hate' test but he ended up really liking it. On the left are some crib bumpers, the small middle package is a fitted sheet, under that is a HUGE rug that is totally adorable, and finally: an owl pillow. Everything I keep looking at keeps coming back to a ''woodland creatures'' theme too it. Cute birds, owls, trees, etc. I found a curtain valance for your room that I am dying to buy that has a baby hedgehog on it. A BABY HEDGEHOG. Seriously. I die from the cuteness. I think this stuff will look totally adorable against the espresso colored furniture we have picked out. I can't wait to dive in and start driving your dad crazy with paint colors, light fixtures, and wall art.

Last Thursday, we found out that you were a girl and it was one of the best moments of my life. We both were anxious, watching the sonogram tech go over every inch of your body and explaining to us that yes, your brain was good, and yes, your heart was good and yay! you had all your fingers and toes and just when I was sure we were both going to jump out of our skin from impatience, she asked us if we wanted to know the sex. We both practically shouted ''YES'' at the tech and she told us you were a girl. I can't explain how it felt to hear that everything was ok and I was getting the little girl I wanted so much. Not that I wouldn't love you if you were a boy, but I think deep down, both your dad and I really wanted a girl.

I mentioned in the last blog post that I didn't fee like I had bonded with you yet, but it has all changed for me. When the tech told us ''It's a girl!'' a light switch flipped inside me and I started bawling. I let myself go and opened up to the idea that you will exist in our lives in just a few short months (19ish weeks, eeps!) and I can't stop thinking about you. You haven't been called the parasite in over a week now and it's so cool to get to call you Harper or say things like ''she's moving around!'' and see your dads reaction. I've gone soft and turned into a bucket o'mush. But your dad? Hoooboy, he's gone around the bend and is SO EXCITED you are coming. It's sweet to hear him refer to you, molly, and I as ''his girls.''

We love you so much, Harper.

Love,

Mama

Hello, world.

2010-05-20T18:02:00.002-05:00

I would like to introduce our baby GIRL (!!!), Miss Harper Anabelle.

Sunday Citar...

2010-05-16T13:02:00.002-05:00

"In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn't merely try to train him to be semi-human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog." - Edward Hoagland

Dear Baby...

2010-05-14T10:23:00.005-05:00

{Photo courtesy of your daddy}

Dear Baby,

Today, I am 19 weeks pregnant with you. Woah.

According to Baby Center, you look something like this:

(this does not look very comfy for you. no wonder you are stretchingggggg my insides out.)

And this is what’s going on with you this week:

Your baby's sensory development is exploding! Her brain is designating specialized areas for smell, taste, hearing, vision, and touch. Some research suggests that she may be able to hear your voice now, so don't be shy about reading aloud, talking to her, or singing a happy tune if the mood strikes you.Your baby weighs about 8 1/2 ounces and measures 6 inches, head to bottom — about the size of a large heirloom tomato. Her arms and legs are in the right proportions to each other and the rest of her body now. Her kidneys continue to make urine and the hair on her scalp is sprouting. A waxy protective coating called the vernix caseosa is forming on her skin to prevent it from pickling in the amniotic fluid.

You'll start growing even faster in the weeks to come. As a result, you may notice some achiness in your lower abdomen or even an occasional brief, stabbing pain on one or both sides — especially when you shift position or at the end of an active day. Most likely, this is round ligament pain. You may be noticing some skin changes, too. Are the palms of your hands red? Nothing to worry about — it's from the extra estrogen. You may also have patches of darkened skin caused by a temporary increase in pigment.

I feel HUGE this week compared to last week. Especially after I eat, holy cow, the belly is crazy big then! It is really weird to be at 19 weeks, just one short week away from finding out if you are a boy or a girl. Eeeee! We are SO EXCITED and can’t wait to know.

With the addition of the huge belly, everything has started to itch and I have the scratch marks to prove it. I look like my legs have been attacked by a new kitten, holy redness!

In the past few weeks my cravings have switched gears a bit and now I’m craving new stuff. Tomatoes with salt, bagels, cupcakes (uh oh), pepsi (coke now tastes funny.) chips & salsa, GARDETTOS (noms), beer (sad face), and hot fudge. Mmmm. I CAN’T stop eating. It is ridiculous, but it’s like a light switched flipped and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get enough food in mah belly. Everyone says its because you are growing like crazy, but I have a feeling I’ll be getting those 10lbs I’ve lost back, ASAP.

During the storms that slammed the Midwest on Wednesday night, you were moving like CRAZY. You were like a little dancing ninja in my belly, it was so weird! I think they amp’d you up, or maybe you were picking up on my adrenaline? Not sure, but it was an interesting feeling!

I feel like a bad mom for admitting this, but I don’t really feel like I’ve ‘bonded’ with you yet. I think a big part of it has to do with the fact that I’m pretty sure I’m going to lose this pregnancy at any given moment. It still seems very surreal to me that I’m 19 weeks pregnant and everything is going ok. I feel pretty good, have a lot of energy back, can eat food again, and have heard your heartbeat a handful of times. But a big part of me is afraid to get too attached because I don’t want to lose another baby, especially you. I start to feel a little crazy right before each appointment and it builds into a pretty big anxiety attack that I haven’t mentioned to anyone. I sit there panicked as your dad drives us to the doctors office, convinced that we won’t find a heartbeat and you’ll be gone. I know this is all crazy and dumb, but I’m hoping to experience a big sigh of relief next Thursday after our sonogram.

Love,

Mama

Wordless Wednesday: Marissa's Shower.

2010-05-12T19:20:00.002-05:00

for the baby daddy:

2010-05-11T12:01:00.001-05:00

BAKAWK!

Today.

2010-05-10T12:15:00.002-05:00

things that can suck a bag of dicks:

-forgetting socks and deodrant. hello, pregnancy brain.
-sneezing.
-rain. just no. go away.
-people who have 7am meetings on a monday. and then cancel them without telling people.
-my passive aggressive mother.
-being 48837402 miles away from my two best girls.
-being 48837402 miles away from the cutest little monster and his 1st bday party.
-having to peeeeee really bad in the middle of the night and then it only being a drop.
-baconaise, for being so addicting.
-waiting 10 more longggg days before we find out the sex of the baby.
-sneezing and then wee'ing myself a little.

Almost Wordless Wednesday...

2010-05-05T12:46:00.005-05:00

There are times when I see Brad with Molly & I'm totally staggered by him. Like last night, for example.

I don't think Brad truly understands how much love he is capable of. People always say that pets are the best judge of characters and I really think this photo captures that. They were cuddling like this last night forever and she was just as content as can be. The way he interacts with Molly is so sweet and playful, I think ''he's going to make an amazing father someday.'' And then it pops into my head that, holy shit, he's going to be a father in just 156 (give or take a few) days. Before too long, there will be a baby in the other arm, safely nestled in the Dads arms.

I about cried last night because it was so sweet and I can hardly keep the tears from coming now.

I blame the pregnancy hormones. Whatever. Assholes.

P.S. Haha, yes, that is a censor dot over Molly's bits. The hussy has no shame when it comes to her comfort.

P.S.S. This post is going to make Brad all squirmy uncomfortable. But gah, this is so cute! Is it any wonder I let the man knock me up?

random.

2010-05-04T20:20:00.003-05:00

I've noticed since I've become pregnant, I can NOT handle socks up around my knees. Which is weird because pre-pregnancy, you would have never caught me in ankle socks. I think I'm already experiencing some swelling because by the end of the day, the ring from the socks at the top of my legs would be so bad it wouldn't go away til the next am. So I switched to ankle socks and god, I am so much more comfortable I can barely stand it. I snagged these bad boys (holler for the lime green!) at Famous Footwear when I was picking up some old lady shoes for work. Cuz you know, I'm only 17ish weeks pregnant, but damn heels hurt like a mofo.

And yes, I am totally blogging about socks because my heads full of snot, I have a sinus infection, can't stop coughing, sound like a deranged Minnie Mouse & I can't think of anything else to talk about.

Growing a Human: Weekly Update

2010-05-02T16:30:00.002-05:00

How far along? 17 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Remember last week when I was so sure I'd gained? Ha, apparently not. I went to the OB on Thursday and found out I'm down another 4lbs. So that brings my total up to -10lbs since my 5th week OB appt.

Stretch marks? Same as last week.

Sleep: I’m not getting it. I caught a stupid headcold and I spent all night coughing and or choking and not being able to breathe.

Best moment this week: Hearing the heartbeat at the OB appt.

Movement: I think I felt it again on Thursday night while we were watching tv. But I can't be sure.

Food cravings: I haven't had much of an appetite since I caught this head cold. But right now, all I can think about is a cheeseburger and fries with a side of ranch dressing. Mmm.

Gender: 3 weeks to go, hurry hurry!

Labor Signs: Nada.

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: Not sounding like a possessed Minnie Mouse and being able to say a complete sentence with out hacking my head off.

What I am looking forward to: Being able to breathe while I sleep.

Weekly Wisdom: Grass & flowers are the devil.

Names we are loving: First names: Harper or Marlee Middle: Anabelle & for a boy: Caden Timothy.

Milestones: Hearing the heartbeat :)

I am taking a kick right in the face.

2010-05-01T12:35:00.001-05:00

{via}

the drive home...

2010-04-28T16:23:00.000-05:00

"they" call the area we live in ''Gods Country.''

I sorta agree.

Daily Truth:

2010-04-27T18:17:00.004-05:00

Being snarky in the name of friendship is something I 100% support. Til the day I die, if someone wrongs one of my friends, I will come up with something so snarky to say about that offender they will wish they had been born in a different, kinder millennium.

{via}

Random Tuesday Thoughts...

2010-04-27T08:49:00.004-05:00

I woke up today at 530 after hitting my snooze button for 15 mins. I dearly love my snooze button, much to Brads deep seeded hatred for it. When I finally rolled over, I saw this and had to snap a photo of it. Miss Molly likes to cuddle but she does NOT want you in her face, breathing your hot air all up in her grill. I cracked up when I saw this and knew it was definetely a good way to start the morning. I reset the alarm for 6am and snuggled up with these two goof balls for some lovely morning cuddles. It was delightful.

I'm in love with non-traditional mobiles for the nursery. I want something fun, funky, and something that doesn't scream ELMO! (*shudder) everytime you see it. I sent the photo over to one of my besties, Jen, who is one of the most creative people I know asking her if she thought this would be hard to make... Not only is it NOT hard, she offered to make it for the baby! How fantastic is she?!

Yesterday was a historic day at Casa de Nerdy. I sent this photo to the mister and said, "hey a paint job like this could be fun for the nursery. what are your thoughts?" Now, let me explain something. My husband pretty much hates anything I suggest. I typically just do it and then he ends up liking it. Or he lies well, whatevs. But! He LIKED this. He didn't hate it! And he cleaned the whole damn house and vacummed without being asked and ordered me the meats pizza from Papa Johns because ~~I'm obsessed~~ the parasite loves it. That man is awesome.

Speaking of the parasite, I've come to the conclusion that I'm never going to poop again and I pretty much need to stop drinking water after 7pm. I was up 5 TIMES last night to pee. Gah.

Happy Tuesday!

Growing a Human: Weekly Update

2010-04-25T19:56:00.007-05:00

How far along? 16 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: I'm sure I gained, I started out 7lbs heavier at my first OB appt..the second OB appt, I was down 7lbs and at our last OB appt, I had gained a pound. So as of the last appt, I am down 6lbs. I'm sure that'll change on Thursday when I go back to the OB.

Stretch marks? One, but I already had it. I think being a chunk before getting pregnant will help me from getting a ton of these. At least, I hope.

Sleep: I’m getting it..sorta – but the dreams are getting weirder and weirder. All I want to do is sleeeeep. I'd like to sleep with out my belly itching like crazy or the need to pee like crazy.

Best moment this week: Realizing I'm 4 short weeks away from finding out if this baby is a boy or a girl.

Movement: I thought I'd felt the baby last week...But driving home from a seriously late night out on Friday night, I stopped at a stop light and felt a POW! right to the side of my uterus that distinctly told me, ''2am is way too late for us to be up. Get yo ass in bed.''

Food cravings: Pickles, ice cream, ice water, red gatorade, & strawberry now & laters.

Gender: 4 weeks to go, hurry hurry!

Labor Signs: None, thank goodness.

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: An ice cold beer on the deck after work. Pooping. Pants that actually button. Being able to breathe when I bend over to shave my legs, walk up stairs, etc (really?! already?!).

What I am looking forward to: Pooping again. Sorry.

Weekly Wisdom: Remember the benefiber and benadryl and life will be MUCH happier.

Names we are loving: First names: Harper or Marlee Middle: Anabelle & for a boy: Caden Timothy.

Milestones: Feeling the baby move :)

Miss Molly.

2010-04-25T19:25:00.002-05:00

My best girl spends most of her time on my lap, guarding the ever growing bump, and protecting me when anyone gets too close. She likes to lay across my belly now, she never was much for it before.. But now that I'm pregnant, if she's not sleeping on the bump, she's laying as close as she can get to it. If Brad comes in for a kiss, or to rub the belly, she is NOT having it and will do her best to keep everyone away. It makes us laugh that she's so protective already. She is going to be the best big sister a kiddo could ask for.

Oh my gah.

2010-04-20T18:28:00.004-05:00

{Via Wee Rock Girly Couture}

Dear baby: please please please be a girl.

love, mama

Pretty much the best invention...ever.

2010-04-19T09:43:00.002-05:00

Before I was pregnant, I was a pickle junkie. I mean seriously. We could go through a jar of pickles in a few days at Casa de Nerdy. They are such delicious snacks. Now that i'm pregnant? I am out of control for pickles. When we were shopping last night at Target, Brad spotted these and I immediately snatched them out of his hand and put them in the cart.

I tried them this morning just now and my Verdict? This is the best invention, ever. The rest of the four pack doesn't stand a chance against Preggotron.

Nom nom nom,

Jess

Hound dog.

2010-04-14T02:02:00.003-05:00

baaadump!

2010-04-13T10:27:00.004-05:00

(pardon the bathroom shot)

I popped out some, yay!

14wks 4 days

dear baby...

2010-04-09T00:57:00.004-05:00

dear baby,

Today I am 14 weeks pregnant with you. This is the longest I've ever carried a baby and its interesting what's going on with my body. I've noticed in the last few weeks that I've become very forgiving with my body and all its lumps & bumps. It was a gradual change and I realized that it'd been weeks since I beat myself up over being chunky. I am actually excited to see my belly grow and change and can't wait for the day when I'm all rounded out instead of looking like I hit a kegger the night before.

According to my Baby Center weekly email, you look something like this:

This week's big developments: Your baby can now squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his thumb! Thanks to brain impulses, his facial muscles are getting a workout as his tiny features form one expression after another. His kidneys are producing urine, which he releases into the amniotic fluid around him — a process he'll keep up until birth. He can grasp, too, and if you're having an ultrasound now, you may even catch him sucking his thumb.

In other news: Your baby's stretching out. From head to bottom, he measures 3 1/2 inches — about the size of a lemon — and he weighs 1 1/2 ounces.

I am craving cantaloupe like crazy. Same goes for oranges, cheeseburgers (still), red gatorade, watermelon jolly ranchers, and orange juice. Lunch meat is another big craving, but only if I get the sandwich from somewhere like Subway or Quiznos. For some reason, I can't stomach the smell of the lunch meat at home. FINALLY, I am able to stomach coffee again, praise the tiny baby jesus. My prenatal's have started to really upset my tummy lately, so I've been taking them right before bed & hoping I can fall asleep before the nausea hits. I'd have to say, my biggest complaint about pregnancy so far is that I can't poop unless I load up on Benefiber and stool softeners, thanks for that by the way. I thought I was dying last night or surely suffering another miscarriage, but thankfully it was just poop. I really hope you get blessed with your dads pooper and not mine because you will be oh so screwed.

Oh and on May 20th, we can find out (FINALLY) if you are a boy or a girl. We've picked out names for you and started to say them to family and friends when they ask.

182 days until we get to meet you. We are so excited.

Love,

Mama

Poor Molly...

2010-04-08T13:59:00.001-05:00

someone was scared during the storms the other night & wouldn't leave my lap.
mush mush mush.

dear baby...

2010-03-29T10:47:00.004-05:00

Dear Baby,

Today I am 12 weeks, 3 days pregnant with you. It is too early to tell if you are a boy or a girl, so for now, we'll stick with Baby...since your dad gets all mad when I call you ''the parasite'', he is SO touchy. :)

According to my weekly email from BabyCenter, you are currently the size of a lime.

Which, instantly, reminds me of that song, ''you put the lime in the coconut something something." Don't ask baby, your mama is weird. I'm not sure how something the size of a lime could bloat me up so badly but there are a lot of things I don't understand about being pregnant. Like how at 12 weeks pregnant, I'm in maternity pants? Which, don't get me wrong, these will surely be making an appearance at thanksgiving dinner and between us, I think your dads a little jealous he still has to button his pants everyday. The weekly email also tells me that I'll be feeling more like eating the closer I get to the 2nd trimester. To that I say, HA! The closer I get to the 2nd trimester, the crappier I feel. There was an incident last week with a hot dog that I shudder to think about now. Let's just say, Mama doesn't make the best food decisions when she's starving.

We I am a freakish planner and now that we are under 200 days til your arrival, I'm having a hard time keeping myself from shopping for you. We've ordered your nursery bedding in a fun, gender neutral pattern & colors, and have bought you some adorable stuffed animals. We started starring things we love on Etsy, adorable hats & tutu's (if your a girl) that will surely make your teenage life hell when you glance back at the photos your dad will take of you. We started a baby registry thats mostly filled with a whole lot of nothing because we really have no idea where to start when it comes to buying for a baby. But the biggest change we've made is how open we are to the thought of you. Before we were pregnant, your dad & I were incredibly selfish people and we hesitated to get pregnant because we were afraid it'd take away from you. But in the last few weeks, I've seen such a change in Brad and I that it staggers me and brings tears to my eyes. We already have so much love for you that sometimes it overwhelms me & I can't breathe at the thought of you being in our lives in such a short time.

Love,

Mama

Happy Anniversary!

2010-03-24T09:14:00.003-05:00

Some of the reasons why I love Brad:

He chills me out. If I'm feeling super tense in a situation, he'll take my hand and just silently stand there til I calm down.

He's not overly touchy feely. I can't handle people being all up in mah grill and he knows that as well as respects that.

He's there for everything related to the baby. He helps pick out names, nursery colors, he's there for the scary appointments and is the only one that can get away with rubbing my belly.

He spoils me. In all areas of life.

He's so very ridiculously in love with Molly.

He lets me steal the covers.

He lets me be me and doesn't try to change me or expect me to be something different to suit him.

He loves me unconditionally.

Happy Anniversary babe, I can't wait for another 60 more.

A long overdo update:

2010-03-22T15:34:00.001-05:00

It has been about a hundred million years since my last update. I apologize deeply, dear bloggy friends. But crapballs, no one warned me how exhausting growing a baby would be. It is interesting to think about how I thought about pregnancy before I actually got pregnant. Before the parasite latched on, I figured I’d be sick 24/7 and for some reason, I guess I thought a baby bump would come immediately?

Yeah. I have no idea.

But now? Now, it is different.

Like for instance, I’ve only been sick three times—praise the tiny baby jesus for that one. I walk around most days feeling like I have a 2 bottle wine hangover. I’m queasy, headachy, and woozy feeling.. I didn’t expect to feel so sore either (I am pretty sure Brad is beating me at night with a sack of potatoes) or experience these god awful leg cramps that will NOT GO AWAY no matter how many nasty ass bananas I eat or gallons of water I consume. Or how restless my legs would be all night so that I couldn’t get comfortable no matter how I slept. Or how bad my bladder would hurt if I woke up having to pee in the middle of the night because I didn’t go immediately. Or how big my boobs have gotten in just 11.5 short weeks. Or how exhausting showering would be. Or how freaking mushy I’d feel about everything. Or how stabbity I’d feel about everything.

Ugh. I feel like such a girl.

However, in an interesting turn of events, I’m actually losing weight because I’m not consuming so many ~~bottles~~ glasses of wine & my taste for cake has completely gone out the window. This child craves naps, water, cheeseburgers, ice cold coke, sub sandwiches, ice cold beer (sad face), pasta, salad, chicken nuggets, and pudding packs. I can burp and fart like a frat boy and am getting many high fives from my coworkers when I outdo them.

As of today, I am 11 weeks 3 days pregnant & have 11 days left in my first trimester.

Oh, baby...

2010-02-22T18:13:00.002-06:00

We saw a heartbeat today.

We both cried.

It was the sweetest thing.

xoxo

..and now, for some happy news!

2010-02-17T14:46:00.004-06:00

I made these cupcakes a few weeks ago to tell the parentals we are expecting. After they stared at them for about 5 seconds they realized what I was trying to say. Lots of hugs, laughs, and ''oh my god, I'm going to be a grandma/grandpa'' came after that.

The pregnancy came as a bit of a shock to both of us. We were trying, but not really trying and just when I got used to the idea of it being ok if it didn't happen, we got pregnant! I can't begin to describe how nervous & excited I am. I'm just taking it day by day, enjoying the pampering and even the awful heartburn & constant queasiness.

dudes. holy shit, I'm pregnant.

2010-02-15T07:42:00.004-06:00

My grandpa passed away early Saturday morning rather unexpectedly.

He was a cool old dude who survived a ton of heartache in his life, a quadruple bypass, diabetes, smoking for 50 years (he thankfully quit after the bypass), congestive heart failure, black lung, and losing both his wife & a daughter in the same year.

He liked Johnny Cash, model trains, chasing crazy tornadoes, weather documentaries, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Pinup Girls, "Art" (and by ''art'', I totally mean porn), microwave coffee, hunting, fishing, burned black toast, and rice krispy treats.

I was his first grandbaby and he secretly spoiled me rotten. He was always quiet and when I came to visit (which was all the time), he snuck me candy, gave me ice cream for breakfast & taught me how to drink coffee. He walked to and from work everyday because ''it kept him young'' and I remember walking in the summer to meet him when he got off work painting combines. He never spoke much, but he was always there to listen.

I'll miss him very much.

Random Tuesday Thoughts.

2010-02-02T15:19:00.001-06:00

I am a little late getting this up because I suck.

I am exhausted. Like fall-on-my-face-at-any-moment-exhausted. My flight didn't get backinto KC until 1130pm Sunday. We only live about 10 mins from the airport...but by the timeI got home, showered and crawled into bed, it was almost 1am. I got four hours of sleepthat night and about 9 hours last night. I'm still paying for it. Me = zonked.

Speaking of Cali, it went GREAT. I've never clicked so quickly with someone who I metonline. Unless you count Brad, and look where that got me ;) The weekend went by so quickly, I couldn't believe it! Tracy's husband CJ is hiliariously funny and they were both gracious hosts who made me feel right at home. I stuffed myself SILLY on cupcakes andgood food. It was fantastic and honestly? I don't think I've ever laughed so much.Now, I know you are all curious about Baby J & I can just say this: that kid? Oh my, that kid is adorable. Seriously. He is the sweetest thing who gave a million snuggles andmade me smile & laugh so much. It was so so hard to leave Cali on Sunday, I even got a lil teary and I NEVER DO THAT. I hate that all my friends are spread out so far and we can'tbe together all the time. Assholes.

I did miss Brad and my Molly like crazy while I was gone. I think they missed me too. Mollyhas literally been glued to my side since I've been home. This was the little shit last night while I was trying to catch up on my dvr:

I got curious about cooking because it feels like I haven't done all that much lately. I did a little research and discovered that I haven't cooked anything since Jan. 21st. Thatis 12 days people! We've eaten out for TWELVE DAYS straight. I'm anxious to get in my kitchen and get to work on something delicious.

Oh snap! In order to cook something delicious, I am going to have to go to the grocery store.Forget all that nonsense. Ugh.

My girl bits are being an asshole & jerking me around emotionally. I hate waiting on my period to show up.

I immediately regret eating that taco salad from the cafe here. Hello, rotten gas!

I've had a nasty headache since Sunday morning that goes from my brain is going to explode pain to constant ache. I would like for this to go away asap, please.

I met an internet stranger.

2010-01-31T16:30:00.001-06:00

and she didn't hack me to pieces :)

but. she gave me wii knee. bad. hehehe.

I had a lovely visit with Tracy's family this weekend. Now I'm sitting at the airport, waiting on my flight to take me back to my husband & piepants. I miss them soooo much & I'm ready to see my two fave people.

awe.

2010-01-30T10:58:00.001-06:00

oy. I miss them.

Win.

2010-01-28T08:35:00.004-06:00

Oh yes. I declare California's weather a definite WIN for this girl's vaca.

leaving...on a jet plane.

2010-01-27T14:46:00.002-06:00

So tomorrow I fly out of KC and head off to the LBC for a little visit with my best girl, Tracy. I am SUPER excited that we FINALLY (finally, *snort* its been like a little over a year…but really, FINALLY) get to meet but I gotta be honest… I’m a little nervous. Not because I am afraid she’ll kill me & mail Brad back my elbow or anything. Because, hello. She’d totally be lost with out me everyday in her life. I mean really, where is she going to find another friend that will text her while pooping?

Yes. We do that.

Our friendship is <thisclose>…much to the dismay of our husbands, we share everything with each other. So ya, not worried about her killing me.

However, I am worried about the flight out there. Like big time. I haven’t traveled alone in almost 5 years. Lord knows, I am not the best flier. {True story, my first flight, I leaned over and puked on the guy next to me. Yeah. Jess + flying = bad idea.} I don’t like to be out of control of a situation (no, not THAT Situation) but the situation where I put my life in the hands of a pilot who I’m not entirely for sure will keep me alive while we hurtled across the states. I’m hoping I get a good pilot that’s not feeling shitty that day because hey lets face it, if we do crash, I hope its bad enough that I don’t walk away from it. Flying terrifies me so much that I drug the shit out of myself and hold on to Brad with a death grip while having panic attacks until the plane lands safely on the ground.

Only this time, I’m flying alone & that scares me. I won’t have Brad next to me to hold my hand and adjust the little fan thingy so that it’s blowing in my face when I feel like there is NO AIR IN THE CABIN AND I AM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. But I have some good drugs, my ipod is all sync’d up and I’m doing this to visit a best friend and come home to a hubband that loves me more than anything so I know that I’ll be ok. I know that because I have great people waiting for me on both ends of the flight that I will be ok...and that calms me down immensely.

Oh and I love the fact that I’m flying out before the next SNOWMAGGEDON hits the Midwest area. Neener neener, bitches.

Xoxo,

Jess

Just a reminder...

2010-01-26T20:39:00.002-06:00

I need this :)

xoxox,

Jess

P.S. you can totally have it engraved if you want :))

forgotten photos from my snap: cali f*ya!

2010-01-25T10:18:00.001-06:00

my calendar print out for this week!

the hubband.

2010-01-18T15:24:00.001-06:00

I turned the tables & snatched B-rads camera at the Boulevard Brewery tour yesterday to snap some photos of him. I would say this one turned out pretty well. He's totally nomable if I do say so myself.

Sunday Citar: Sisters

2010-01-17T08:53:00.000-06:00

You can kid the world. But not your sister.
~Charlotte Gray

forgotten photos from my snap: addicted

2010-01-16T20:28:00.005-06:00

hi, my name is Jess & I'm addicted to this shirt. I blame Tracy for telling me I look cute in it.

also? I am totally in a bar bathroom snapping this photo (and slightly tipsy)

Hells yes.

2010-01-15T09:39:00.001-06:00

I am starting the slow clap for this gentleman.

2010 shiz

2010-01-14T16:36:00.000-06:00

2010

One thing I will learn:

To put myself first. Seriously. I don’t take care of myself the way I should. I don’t drink enough water, take my vitamins or get enough sleep.

One place I will go:

California. Hopefully New York this summer with the hubs.

One physical habit I will break:

Not washing my face at the end of the day. I MUST do this.

One physical habit I will [ed. note: continue to] cultivate:

Cooking. I would really like to take some classes this year like cake decorating, sushi rolling, etc.

One mental habit I will break:

Tearing myself down. I don’t treat myself very well.

One mental habit I will cultivate:

Stop obsessing so much about the littlest things.

One relationship I’ll repair:

I honestly don’t feel like there is a relationship I should repair. Last year, I got some rather toxic people out of my life and have since surrounded myself with delightful people and feel happy with the relationships I have.

One work habit I will change:

I would like to have more faith in myself to apply for the awesome jobs I keep seeing pop up on the postings.

One thing I’ll throw out:

97% of my junk drawers need to go far far away.

One thing I’ll eat more often:

I am going to say odd foods. And by that I mean, foods I wouldn’t normally try. I want to expand my food horizons.

One thing I’ll eat less:

Cupcakes.

Oh who am I kidding?

One thing I’ll drink more:

I’d like to say water…but I know that won’t happen. So I’ll say Cranberry Splash.

One thing I’ll drink less:

Mountain Dew.

One overdue e-mail I’ll send, or overdue phone call I’ll make:

I don’t think there is anyone that I need to make contact with. I am literally connected everyday all day with the important people in my life.

One resentment I’ll get over:

My mother. I need to just understand that she will never change.

One person I’ll treat more respectfully:

Myself.

One thing I’ll spend less money on:

Booze. *cough* right.

One other change I’ll make in my finances:

Uhm…I have no idea. B is in charge of this & thank god for it. I think we do ok.

One thing I’ll spend less time doing:

Farting. Seriously. I need to exercise some control.

forgotten photos from my snap.

2010-01-14T10:09:00.001-06:00

my chill out from the other night.

the glass of wine, reeses, and some quality trash reading kept me from flipping my shit after an 11 hour work day.

Throwback.

2010-01-14T07:33:00.002-06:00

Hi. My name is Jessica & I make my husband download ridiculous music.

This came across my ipod yesterday on the drive home & I spent the rest of the drive home repeating this song while chair dancing. I am awesome.

Wordless Wednesday: Then

2010-01-13T08:27:00.000-06:00

Oh, Monday.

2010-01-11T07:51:00.001-06:00

Hate early. Must kill early.

— Lorelai Gilmore

{via}