Post Partum: An Update.

The other day, I recieved an email from a fellow blogger. She was curious about how my Post Partum OCD & Anxiety were going and wanted to know if I'd update everyone on my progress.

There are days when my OCD & Anxiety are very minimal and I almost forget that I have it. There are days when I can go the whole day without worrying about Harper more than the average parent does. There are sunshiney days where my whole world is kittens & rainbows and I almost burst with love over my little family. I think to myself, ''High five, self. You are awesome!''

Then something happens.

Something that causes that tiny little tingle of fear to skirt up my spine.

Somone cuts me off in traffic just a little to close when Harper is in the car. She coughs when she's having her bottle. She bonks her head with her rattle.

Most days, I can ignore the little tingle and go about my day. The Effexor & Xanax cocktail the doctor has me on is working wonders for me. I'm sleeping most nights and I'll wake up to look at the clock & see I've slept the whole night with no nightmares. But other days, I find myself bombarded with intrusive thoughts, anger, fear, physical & mental compulsions that if I don't complete, I can not function. I'll think, ''did I turn off the oven? I didn't turn off the oven. No, no, I turned it off, I'm sure of it. We haven't cooked in days! Duh!'' and then I'll move on, until 3am when I'm convinced the house is going to burn down and we are all going to die and it'll be my fault. I'll have to get out of bed, whispering to Molly to stay, where I'll stumble down the stairs, check that the oven is off. Then I'll have to check on Harper and suddenly my minds awake & I'm not going back to sleep for the rest of the night because my brain is in overdrive. I'll try to read, but images of our house burned down will pop into my mind, like horrible flashbacks. I'll hear what people will say about me, ''She should have checked the oven. This is all her fault.'' No matter what I do, the thoughts won't go away. It's horrible to have a brain like this. Horrible to feel like this, but most days, the medicine helps. Most days, I can function like a normal mama & be fun.

Most days, I'm not crazy. There are days when I don't want to punch my husband because he can laugh at some joke on TV. When I'm angry because I'm the only one suffering. He could be feeding Harper and I'm sitting there thinking, ''Why do I have to do EVERYTHING? Why do I take care of everyone? I never get a break!'' all the while, Brad let's his dinner go cold to feed Harper. It makes no sense and it drives me bonkers that I have this in my life. I want to feel normal everyday. I don't want to be dependant on medicine to feel that way. Luckily, the days where I feel like this are few and far between. They seem to be further and further apart and I'm my normal, happy self. And that? That is enough to get me through the hard days.