Being a chick = Sucktastic.

Warning: TMI


I've been having a lotta pain recently with my girl parts. Lots of hot stabbing pains that are no bueno. They were making me double over in pain when I was out shopping with the sistah on Sunday. I called the doctor on Monday and luckily they were able to get me in for an office visit yesterday. Ha @ luckily.

I got to the doctors office and waited impatiently for my visit. My sistah and I have a problem when we visit doctors. We start imagining all things that are possibly wrong with us. We have the herpagonacyphillits and its going to be incurrable. Or my girl parts are going to fall out or some horrible traumatic disease thats never been discovered and will result in them naming it after us when we die. We tend to panic over little things and I fully believe its because our mom is a total hypochondriac in addition to being batshitcrazy.

So the doctor calls me back and come to find out that after almost two wonderful years with my IUD, my body has decided it just doesn't like it anymore and its going to reject it from my body. Yeah, talk about fun! The doctor explains to me that it has to come out and we can either try to replace it with a new one after my cervix heals OR we can remove it and change my birth control. Yeah, the pain of inserting it last time flashes in my mind as the hot searing knife pain stabs me again and I tell him to yank the mother flucka out. He agrees thats the best thing for me and gets ready to do so.

Only its not that simple. Sigh.

The hospital I visit is a teaching hospital, similar to Greys Anatomy only with out the drama. Because its a teaching hospital, the doctor asks if its ok to have some of the residents in to view this as it doesn't happen all that often. I say sure whatever, just get this thing out of me. Next thing I know I have a nurse, doctor, and 3 residents staring at me as I scoot my butt down and place my legs in the stirups. Five people staring at me naked from the waist down under these harsh lights? I dont even let my husband see me naked like that. At this point, I was praying for a speedy death and begging god to just kill me that instant. To make a long, painful, story short--the doc couldn't get it out, had to hack into me a bit and then yank it out. I was forgetting to breath, covered in sweat, crying, and practically purple my blood pressure was so high afterwards. It was NOT a fun experience.

Afterwards, the doctor decided he wanted to be chatty about me working in IT and asked me tons of questions about his computer. Ya, like this is a good time to discuss me being a geek; I could barely breathe I hurt so bad. I decided that I needed some form of birth control and we settled on a the pill again because the shot makes me batshitcrazy and my hair falls out, the IUD OBVIOUSLY doesn't work, the patch kills people, and pull n' pray is just too stressful. So now I'm back on the pill, he gave me Yaz--at least their commercials look somewhat fun. I snatched up my script, told him I'd email him after I did some research about his computer question and ran outta there. I popped a xanax hoping it'd calm me down and have been an emo wreck since.

Being a chick sucks.

Oh the best part of this? The doc says oh ya, since you haven't had a period in almost two years and we just pulled this out of you, you could experience bleedy for up to two weeks. SAY WHAT?! Yeah, that just sounds AWESOME.

Someone, please kill me.

xo,

crankypants